


Stop. Breathe. Think.

by orphan_account



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pricingham, kevin price needs a hug, orlando is just a metaphor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-11-17 06:13:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11269623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He was supposed to do something incredible. He had to do something incredible, but it was all crumbling in front of him. But what if he was stopped before he got to the bus stop?





	1. Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> Ohhh hello! Just a super new writer that's not only inexperienced but also years late to a kinda dead fandom. PERFECT! But um, honestly...there was some really traumatizing stuff for that poor boy. I just can't help but feel if the other Elders had handled that a tad better...

Kevin Price was supposed to do something incredible. He was told this by everyone he met. His family, his friends, his Mormon peers. When he was young, he experienced one of the happiest moments of his life in Orlando Florida during a simple road trip. Orlando was somehow everything a young Kevin imagined paradise was and then some. His parents told him if he worked hard to be the best, then he’d get everything he deserved later in life. And so naturally he worked, and worked…and worked. He worked until all he knew was The Book of Mormon, an optimistic grin, and a genuinely polite attitude. All of this was just working to the goal of something incredible and eventually, Orlando.

This got him very far, but apparently…somewhere down the line, he had made a big mistake. Somewhere in his hours and hours of work and efforts for the Heavenly Father, he had fallen, he had disappointed Heavenly Father. He couldn’t pinpoint when or where, but it must have been something truly atrocious for him to be punished in this way. Why else would he be in this terrible situation if he wasn’t being punished for something he did? What had he done to possibly deserve this?

Elder Cunningham wasn't bad, but it seemed like he was the spark that just kept the terrible times rolling. An unfocused partner, a terrible destination, a crowded plane, and a late bus. Things were stolen, the heat clung to the back of his neck, and the incessant talking in his ear had his heart thumping in agitated anticipation. He was exhausted and wide awake at the same time. Zero baptisms in Uganda so far and an unwilling village who would rather curse the Heavenly Father than even think about listening. It was just one disaster after another it seemed and Kevin found himself unable to catch his breath in the torrential storm.

When the blood splattered on his cheek he didn't remember what he had done besides jerking his body back with a surprised gasp. His tired feet had been pumped with adrenaline at the time and they practically ran back to the mission hut, his heart hammering through his skin. Elder Cunningham was yelling about something, he couldn't discern what it was as the gunfire was ringing in his ears. The mission hut provided no reprieve and Kevin remembered numbly saying something about The Lion King. Artistic liberties. Lies. Disney had betrayed him in some way today. Somehow being in such a confined space with all the Elders hovering around him only served to fuel this desperate adrenaline. Kevin felt trapped like some sort of animal on display while they crowded around. He had been vaguely scolded about his behavior, about how he couldn't fall apart on them now because of the mission president, but all he could think about was that the blood on his face and arm was beginning to itch and how this wasn't incredible. This was the opposite even.  
  
This was a _failure_. This was _terrible_.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He had done everything right. Kevin Price had honestly worked his very hardest to be the perfect Mormon boy. Why was this happening? Why was he being punished in this way? His ears were still ringing.

He needed to leave.

“To heck with the rules!” he snaps raggedly, raising his voice to everyone in the crowded room. It sounds wrong to him. He doesn’t raise his voice like this, that’s not what good Mormon boys do.

He ignores the gasps as he stares down the other Elders with something akin to a crazed desperation before turning. More words but they were all mixing up in his brain so Kevin makes a break for the door behind him, limbs shaking and breaths trembling. It jerks open and he slams it in haste, his feet stumbling and picking up dirt as he heads in the vague direction of the bus stop. He just needs to leave, he needs to get away from this place. Anything had to be better than this place. He’ll go to Orlando and make a difference there and everything will be great. Everything will be perfect. Everything has to be better over there. It has to be.  
  
“Buddy! Wait!” Elder Cunningham yells from afar, and Kevin has to actually fight the urge to scream. His breaths come short, hot puffs of air in the space in front of him. Why wouldn’t everyone just leave him alone?

Arnold yelled for him again and his finely tuned mask that has already cracked truly crumbles.  
  
“I cannot do something incredible here!” he shouts in agony, whirling around on Arnold with heaving breaths and a trembling voice, chocolate eyes flashing in the evening light.

Arnold has caught up now, a bit winded but too focused on his “best friend” to notice his poor shape. He approaches Kevin with a desperate smile, curly hair bouncing as he learns forward and putting a hand in front of Kevin’s face that was shaped into a stop motion.

“Stop. Breathe. Think! This isn’t really what you want to do, is it!” Arnold asks with a strange sort of confidence.

“Yes it _is_!” Kevin snaps in return, interrupting anything else Arnold was trying to say and turning back around.

It felt like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs, and his fingers kept trembling like it was cold. But gosh was it hot, it was so hot outside. It made his head pound and his vision blur. It felt foggy and his limbs were weak. He just wanted to go away somewhere and not return. Somewhere safe, and quiet. Very quiet.  
  
“I-oh-okay, okay! If you want to transfer then-“ Arnold begins, but the black-haired missionary trailed off which was practically a miracle in itself.  
  
Kevin’s wheezing and gasping filled in the space of momentary silence. He didn’t even realize they were coming from him until a larger hand on his shoulder caused him to inhale sharply.

“Buddy?” Arnold asks softly, tentatively and Kevin wonders why Arnold’s hand is trembling so much until he realizes that it’s his own shoulders that are shaking. The concern in Arnold’s question is palpable, so thick Kevin wonders if he could reach out and-  
  
“Don’t _touch_ me-” he breathes, taking a couple of hasty steps forward, clumsier than usual.

Kevin chokes on a gasping breath, hunching over himself as he tries to wheeze more air into his lungs. But there was blood on him and everything was going wrong and why didn’t anyone care and how could this have happened his parents will be so disappointed and everything he worked for was for nothing-

“Buddy.” The voice calls for him again, it sounds a bit more distant but also insistent.

And then tears are falling from his chocolate irises, glinting off the moonlight and splashing onto the dirt. He brings his shaking hands up to his face, a stilted sob tumbling out of his mouth without his permission. Kevin can still smell the blood on one of his hands that has now dried on his skin, and that serves to send a fresh wave of panic through his veins.

A fearful moan falls out of his lips as he drops his hands and his foot automatically moves behind him to back up, flight response taking hold. His back hits something and he can’t breathe, he honestly can’t breathe. And that’s the moment that his legs betray him and buckle, body giving up on him.

But instead of tasting the dry dirt, there are two larger arms around his body and bracing his now slightly dead weight. They are warm and the embrace is tight, like a strong hug. Those enveloping hands turn Kevin around and hold him tightly in an cocooning embrace. Kevin’s head is adjusted to rest under the crook of Arnold’s neck as his mission companion slowly tries to lower them to the ground without having them both fumble in a pile of limbs.

“Come on buddy breathe-it’ll be okay. You gotta breathe. Buddy it’s okay..it’s okay…” Arnold’s voice calls for him again, the worry thick in his voice. It doesn’t sound so far away this time, and there’s a hand on his back that’s rubbing it softly.

Kevin tries, but instead of an inhale, he gives some sort of wheezing rasp that makes his breath hitch and a scared noise crawls up his throat and whimpers out of his mouth. Arnold’s arms tighten around him protectively, and Kevin only just now realizes he’s sitting in between his companion’s thighs, being held like a child. A wave of shame rolls through him and he swallows thickly, closing his eyes.

“Jeez buddy. You’re really scaring me, please try and breathe okay? I think I’ve seen this sorta thing on tv…Like someone gets all shaky and panicky and that’s never a good thing but wow I mean I’ve never actually seen it happen in real life you know? And you’re my and best friend so that kinda makes it even worse because it’s you and-” Arnold rambles, a measure of comfort for himself more than for Kevin.

He just holds Kevin tightly and talks while the taller boy tries desperately not to fall apart more than he already has. Kevin’s knees are tucked up by his chest and he’s leaning most of his weight onto his poor missionary companion, but Arnold seems to take it in stride as he continues to talk nervously. Eventually the panic begins to die down and all that’s left is shame, mortification, and a rather broken heart.

“El-Eld-“ he tries to say, voice cracking with emotion as he takes in a shaky breath.

The hand rubbing his back stops for a moment, but resumes its task a moment after. Kevin swallows, feeling his eyes well up with embarrassment and shame. This entire situation was a disaster, and now he was sitting here burdening to his mission companion.

The thought of failure is enough to send those tears running down his cheeks, and he brings up his hands to begin to wipe them away until he notices the blood on his hands. He flinches, and suddenly Arnold’s hand was pushing his own hands away as the shorter boy caught on, leaning back to examine Kevin with a rather heartbroken expression. Arnold brings his own hand up, thankfully blood free, and uses his thumbs to wipe away some of the tears rolling down Kevin’s cheek.

“Oh gosh friend…” he coos softly in light despair, and Kevin wanted to be offended in the soft manner he was being approached. But he couldn’t, not when it came to Arnold. Arnold had always treated him with a strange sort of protective fondness.

Sucking in a trembling inhale, Kevin nods but averts his eyes to his lap. He tries to focus on something to ground him, something that would bring back that mask up into his perfect Mormon smile. But it felt like the ground had split, leaving him falling into nothingness. Kevin’s expression crumples, his hang heading in a sort of resignation that was distressing if Arnold’s soft noise of concern was anything to go by.

“Eld-“ a breath. “Elder Cunningham.” Kevin says brokenly, his hands dropping to grip the black fabric of his pants tightly and twist. “I’m so sorry for-for, having-for putting this upon you. I’m, I've really f-failed as-“ Kevin stammers, tumbling around his words awkwardly, his voice cracking on the word failure and unable to continue.

“Buddy.” Arnold warns, his hands reaching out to grip Kevin’s forearms.

No, he needed to press on and try and salvage this. “I’m hoping we can just forget this ever happened and-“

Kevin clears his throat, wiping some tears away from his inner wrist. Arnold can physically see Kevin rebuilding himself back into the infamous Elder Price right before his eyes. The boy’s posture straightens stiffly, and Kevin untangles their legs. He pulls away from Arnold’s grip and turns, using his palms to brace themselves onto the dirt floor and push himself up into a stand.

Unfortunately for Elder Price, anxiety wasn’t so keen on letting him act right as rain so soon. It was simply too soon to push everything down and try to play pretend. A wave of vertigo hits him hard and before he’s able to stumble or even put a hand to his head, Arnold is already lunging for him, wrapping a hand around Kevin's waist and helping him back down.

“Yeaahh so buddy, I was thinking. Let’s hang out here for a bit, it’ll be cool. Like our friend sharing time, without anyone bugging us! You know, since we’re not supposed to go to bed without sharing our feelings. It’s a rule!” Arnold said with a grin that didn’t seem to reach his eyes, pulling Kevin’s body back into that strange cradling embrace as he sits cross-legged.

“Elder Cunningham.” Kevin croaks in protest, but those comforting hands are cementing him in place, one on his waist and one running soothingly along his back.

And he is tired. So very tired. It was like when he thought nothing else could possibly betray him, his own body decided to prove him wrong. His body slumped against Arnold’s, the comforting embrace giving him a sense of security. Arnold would never let anything bad happen to Kevin willingly. That was a strange sort of epiphany to have now, but somehow his chest loosened a bit at the thought.

“Listen, buddy. We sorta…have to talk about what just happened, okay? Maybe not right this second but I really wanna talk about it. I won’t let you get away with being a sneaky sue about it okay?” Arnold murmurs to him softly, Kevin closing his eyes and leaning his cheek on his friend’s collarbone, feeling the familiar collar and tie against the side of his head.

He’s so tired.

He falls asleep to Arnold’s soft murmurs and the strange feeling of being worth something in his mission companion’s arms.


	2. Missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Arnold reflects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support so far, it really means a lot to me! Comments are the main thing that make me want to continue and I'm so happy some of you left comments, that's so sweet. Here's another chapter more centered around Arnold's view!

Arnold knew Uganda was clearly not his mission companion’s first choice of travel…nor was Arnold an ideal choice for a partner. How could it be though? It was Kevin Price, the perfect Mormon poster child. The ideal role model, the All-American Prophet! He remembers back then, watching Kevin’s perfect smile falter only for a moment as he turned to look at Arnold. But then those brown eyes turned warm again in a genuine way and that charming smile was back on his lips along with a small hello. Kevin’s reaction about his destination should have been the first sign to Arnold though, that his bestie might deal with a bit of an anxiety issue. Looking back on it now it seemed obvious: the suddenly still posture, the unresponsiveness, the glazed over look in those eyes. But Kevin had snapped out of it so quickly, plastered on that same lovely smile and joined back in the musical enthusiasm. Arnold figured it was just a big shock for someone as incredible as Kevin and that was the end of it.

The giddy elation of being paired with Kevin Price never really wore off, it still hadn’t if he’s being honest, but there were moments that gave Arnold situations of clarity. Looking back on them now, he wanted to kick himself for not catching on quicker. When they had finally boarded the plane after saying goodbye to their parents for the journey, it was packed and very crowded. Kevin had seemed to hunch in on himself subtly, making himself smaller as he attempted to avoid any sort of physical contact. He seemed unnerved for the entire plane ride that Arnold had just chalked up to mission nerves at first. But seeing Kevin’s chocolate eyes spark with gratitude and relief when Arnold said he could have the window seat had sent a strange surge of protectiveness through his mind. That was the moment when Arnold had realized he hadn’t understood that his mission companion was feeling uncomfortable. The relief had been so palpable though, and Arnold wouldn’t forget the way Kevin tucked himself in the side of the plane to the point where it looked like he was melded to the window. So, his first Mission had been created there on the plane: ‘Observe Kevin Price more.’ It was a simple one, but proved to be effective.

Mission 1 was in effect when they were waiting for the bus. It was late. Kevin at that point in time was a flurry of impatient taps of his feet, fidgeting fingers, and a constantly adjusted tie and shirt. He wrung his hands together (because if he clutched his shirt too much it’d wrinkle Arnold surmised) murmured verses to himself, and fiddled around with his hair. Arnold took it upon himself to start conversation because his ‘observations’ were telling him that Kevin was excited or nervous about their destination. He hadn’t gotten much of a reaction from Kevin at first when he started talking about random media, short clipped sentences in response. So, Arnold tried a different approach, throwing out positive comments about their mission and speaking in a less spastic tone. And somehow, it had worked. He slowed down his speech, tried to infuse every bit of genuine endearment he could into it. Kevin had responded in kind, taking deeper breaths and becoming a less antsy version of himself and more into the poster boy Elder Price. Positive reinforcement seemed to be an easy thing to give for such wonderful results in turn, and he had even made the brown-haired missionary smile a couple of times. Mission 1 had given him incredible results already, so he created Mission Number 2 to co-exist alongside it: ‘Compliment Kevin Price more’

It was hard to keep his extra Missions in his mind when they were approached and had guns aimed at their faces. Their luggage was taken and the shock hadn’t fully settled before they were dragged into a chant cursing Heavenly Father’s name. Arnold remembers hearing Kevin’s voice cracking in shock, remembers Kevin dragging him over and quickly informing him about what ‘Hasa diga eebowai’ means. It was sort of a blur honestly but Arnold didn’t regret the moment either. It brought them closer together after all, literally! During most of the chant they had been clinging to each other, the shock of hearing such vile words being thrown around at the Heavenly Father was too much to comprehend. Arnold put his foot in his mouth several times after that, not knowing how to salvage the situation but also lacking the tact to just keep silent.

The Elders in Uganda were very nice, Arnold thought initially. They were a perfect reprieve from the awful stuff that had happened so far, and Kevin seemed to agree from the way he smiled and straightened his posture. That was until he learned that there were zero baptisms made. Arnold observed the way his friend’s posture stiffened, his smile frozen on his face before it was wiped away in one fell swoop. Kevin was apparently so shaken by such news that he needed a moment to compose himself as he fumbled off the couch and stiffly walked away from the group. Arnold had not been afraid to pursue in kind, bouncing off of the couch grabbing his partner’s wrist softly with inquiry. He moved over to stand in front of him, eyes searching for Kevin’s emotional wellbeing. He gave the taller boy an encouraging smile to share his feelings, his fingers running over the other’s wrist reassuringly. And he certainly relished in the small victory when Kevin deflated for a moment and had started to respond back to him softly. The Elders ruined his progress though by chiming in and Arnold saw a momentary flicker of fear in Kevin’s eyes when he realized he had been heard by everyone. Before they could blink, they were swooped into a bright and glittery pink number about repressing feelings. It was certainly catchy! It seemed Arnold wasn’t the only one who couldn’t contain himself around the infamous Elder Price. The subtle touches on Kevin’s shoulders, a pluck of his tie, a small boop on his nose, and a whole lot of flirtatious dancing was hard to ignore when everyone was in blinding pink vests. That entire number did more damage than good though it seemed, as Kevin was tense the entire time he ripped off the pink vest that he was thrown into and sat tight like a coil ready to spring on the couch while everyone finished up. Arnold patted his cheek and shoulders in reassurance, and was pleased to see a tired smile be aimed at him momentarily before they were whisked away to their rooms. Mission 3 was created when they were on the couch: ‘Have Kevin talk about his feelings more.’

He was psyched they were sharing such close quarters because there was no way they wouldn’t come out of this any less than best friends. Arnold immediately spurred Mission 3 into action and jumped over to Kevin’s bed and patted the space enthusiastically. He was happy to run off the rule about sharing feelings as mission companions as well, making Kevin feel more validated to share. Kevin took a longer time to undress, and Arnold’s observation skills were getting rather good at this point he felt already because he noticed the small furrow in Kevin’s brow as he gingerly sat next to Arnold. Ripped off, Kevin felt. Arnold had to ponder that for a moment but he could understand why. It had to be a bit difficult being Elder Price, Arnold had surmised. So used to being the best, and having all these expectations of him. Zero baptisms was a hard fact to swallow when everyone expected you to make a big difference. He was not deterred by any of this though, and immediately turned Mission 2 into effect, claiming the only reason there weren’t baptisms now is because Kevin wasn’t here to make them! This was a genuine belief anyways, it wasn’t as if Arnold expected anything less than for Kevin to make a huge amazing difference here. Something incredible, as Kevin liked to murmur to himself. And his compliments were rewarded with Kevin looking down at the floor, a rather shy smile forming on his lips and then eventually a delayed acceptance. Mission 4 was formed without Arnold even realizing it: ‘Make Kevin Price smile more.’

He had thought after seeing that smile that this would still be the best mission ever. That Kevin’s smile would right everything in the world and that they’d change all of Uganda and become the best Mormon duo to ever live.

But now he’s sitting under the night sky cradling his partner’s frame to his chest and mentally kicking himself for not doing enough. Arnold did not do things perfectly like Kevin. He talks a lot, and he talks loudly and overbearingly. He makes things up when he doesn’t know what to say, and he lacks a great deal of tact. He’s not the best at being super serious, and he laughs suddenly and at inappropriate times. He’s clingy and much too touchy which he knows is suffocating and overwhelming. Yes, Arnold is all for these things, but one thing he is not: A quitter.

He still fully believes that things will be okay, that they can make this better and still change Uganda for the better. This is just a small bump in the road or a particularly difficult mini-boss. Arnold makes Mission 5 in this moment, clutching Kevin’s frame a bit tighter to his chest: ‘Protect Kevin Price.’ Arnold feels his friend stir softly in his arms and he looks down, the small movement breaking him out of his thoughts. Kevin seems more than disoriented as he doesn't even try and break out of Arnold’s hold, but slumps into it more, his eyes not even opening. A small groan of helplessness tumbles from the brunette’s lips and Arnold feels a thrum of protectiveness pierce his heart.

 “Shhhh…” he murmurs softly, bringing a hand to pet the young man’s hair. “I know you’re tired buddy, but we also shouldn’t stay out here, you know?” He explains to him in a soft voice, slowly; so Kevin wouldn’t be overwhelmed as he came back to the land of the living.

Kevin tries to murmur something back in reply, but he’s so disoriented that he doesn’t even know which way it up or down. He unconsciously tries to bury his face more into the crook of Arnold’s neck. Arnold smiles weakly to himself, wishing for the smallest moment that Kevin could be this clingy when he was awake. It would make him feel a bit better for always clinging to the taller Elder in kind.

“Hey Buddy…” Arnold sighs, running a hand along Kevin’s back again.

Arnold wasn’t the brightest bulb in the shed, but he knew that what needed to happen now was rest. A lot of rest. Even now, his poor buddy hadn’t gotten to properly recover from his panic attack, if that was what Arnold could label it. The poor boy was only out for about 10 minutes before coming to. Still, that might be for the best as Arnold glanced around in the dark. Ugandan nights were gross, dangerous, and altogether unpleasant. Nabulungi’s warnings from the first night creep back into Arnold’s mind and that only spurs him on in his decision to get them back inside where it was safe. The Elders should be sleeping by now. Or at least Arnold sure hoped so, if they were following curfew rules anyway. The last thing Kevin needed was to be bombarded by the Elders with their scolding pointer fingers and frustrated bleak eyes. He thinks briefly that McKinley is going to throw a fit at them. They had managed to both break important rules tonight.

“Can you get up with me pal? We gotta get inside and stuff.” He inquires to Kevin softly, attempting to uncross his legs and finding it exceedingly difficult with his companion draped on him. “Buddy, we need to clean you up a bit.” He encourages, running a supportive hand down Kevin’s back.

He enjoys that he’s able to comfort Kevin in the way he knows best, but secretly ponders if Kevin was more lucid at this moment if all the touching would be allowed. The idea of cleanliness apparently appeals even to Kevin’s subconscious because his friend makes a rather good effort to lift himself off Arnold. It was good enough, and Arnold quickly uncrosses his legs and heaves himself from the ground. He wraps one arm around the exhausted boy’s waist, the other moving to Kevin’s hand. Arnold slowly turns them so his back is facing the door, and he slowly begins to walk backwards, leading Kevin forward along with him. His hand blindly fumbles for the door when they finally make it back to the hut, finding the knob and pushing open the door. It’s dark inside and very quiet. Apparently, the curfew had indeed been enforced by the other Elders and for that, Arnold sends a quick prayer of thanks to Heavenly Father. He tugs Kevin’s wrist towards him softly, and Kevin moved inside. The night air must have done Kevin some good as he’s not as much dead weight now and walking on his own two feet for the most part. Arnold moves quickly and shuts the door behind them quietly, taking care not to cause any loud noises fearing that one of the Elders would wake up. He turns back and quickly moves back to Kevin, who is blankly staring down at his own trembling hands again. The moonlight seeping through the shoddy window hits his friend’s profile silhouette softly, brown eyes being flecked with silver. When his mission companion looks up, Arnold sees the realization in his friend’s eyes and the fear that slowly begins to fill those irises.

“No buddy-no-“Arnold starts immediately, taking swift steps to get into Kevin’s space, his hands automatically moving to Kevin’s wrists to try and prevent a repeat performance of what happened just a little while ago. “We’re going to clean that up right now okay? So don’t look at it.” He whispers enthusiastically, feeling every little tremor that’s wracking his friend’s frame.

“Hey-buddy, best friend. Look at me.” Arnold says in a hushed tone, trying to grab Kevin’s attention and keep it away from the current events which were the subjects of Kevin’s slowly but sure meltdown.

Desperately, he reaches up and Kevin flinches from the sudden movement but doesn’t actually go anywhere. Both of his hands eventually come to cup his friend’s face and tilt it down for them to make eye contact.

“I’m right here buddy, and I’m not gunna go anywhere.” He whispers fervently, finding himself get a bit emotional at the entire situation. His friend is hurting so much and he feels a bit helpless but that won’t stop him from doing his best to help. “Okay?” he asks, his thumb moving up to wipe at a lone tear that was welling up in Kevin’s eye.

Kevin merely nods his head a fraction, but that response is better than no response and the tightness in Arnold’s heart loosens just a bit. So with that hope his hands slide away from his friend’s face, one moving to rest at the small of Kevin’s back as he begins to usher them towards the hallway.

“Elders.” A voice rings out quietly, tone full of crossness that has the duo freezing in place.

McKinley moves out into the main room, silhouette barely recognizable in the darkness but then he steps into the moonlight and Arnold thinks it was better if he had stayed back in the shadows. Elder McKinley’s blue eyes are sparking with impatience, his arms crossed like an angry mother about to scold her children. Arnold feels Kevin lock up before he sees it, the trembling becoming more pronounced in his hands and his breaths coming out in shallower bursts. There was simply no time to deal with the angry den mother right now, his best friend desperately needed rest to recover from the overload of emotions and anxiety his body had wrought upon him tonight. So with that thought, Arnold’s hand that was on Kevin’s back snakes around his waist and tugs him a bit closer to his person.

“Yeah so um…maybe we can have this talk later?” Arnold tries sheepishly, already moving to coax Kevin back into animation.

“Elder Cunningham, do you realize how unsafe it was to be out there? You have both chosen to break Rules tonight, and I’m honestly shocked. Especially from you…Elder Price, you of all people I would have thought would understand how important the rules are...” Elder McKinley chides in genuine disappointment, his crossed arms now moving to place his hands on his hips.

“Yeah okay like, we understand and everything but now is really not a good time? I mean see-um, it’s just not so, could we talk about this in the morning or- “Arnold responds quickly, Kevin remaining gravely silent which only fuels his decision process.

“Elders- “McKinley starts to hiss in frustration, those icy blue eyes containing a whirlwind of emotions.

“Gosh, just not now okay!” Arnold snaps, voice raising a bit louder than he would have liked in the silence of the night. He reigns that anger in quickly, using his free hand to rub at the back of his neck in a sheepish apology. “Sorry uh-but tomorrow we can talk because like-it’s just- “he flounders, the hand on Kevin’s waist moving to run along the boy’s back soothingly. It was a comfort for him more than it probably was for Kevin, he surmises.

McKinley’s expression turns from thunderous to confusion and then they swivel over to Kevin for what seems like the first time that night. They immediately soften into something more akin to worry, the leader biting his lip as he took in the scene fully. “Is he-“Elder McKinley started, but shakes his head. He rubs a freckled finger through his red locks before stepping back with a deep exhale. “Okay. We’ll talk tomorrow. Goodnight Elders, we’re…we’re very glad you’re both back safely.” He murmurs softly, giving the pair one last glance before retreating.

Arnold breathes a sigh of relief, closing his eyes for a moment to just take in the calm. He startles lightly at the dexterous hand that weaves its way into one of his own hands and intertwines them. It’s shaking slightly but solid. Opening his eyes brings him into eye contact with Kevin, who is looking at Arnold with an expression akin to desperate gratitude behind all that exhaustion. A large smile pulls at Arnold’s lips and he lets it, tightening his grip on their hands. He leads them down the hall and into their shared room, all the while murmuring soft assurances and compliments to his best friend. The door closes with a small creak behind them.

He’d say Mission 5 was off to a decent start, even if the beginnings were a bit rocky.


	3. Plastic Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kevin plays pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //sorry! this one was a bit rushed : / but thank you SO much for the feedback so far omg your comments really make me so happy!

Arnold wastes no time in sitting Kevin down on his bed before making a quick trip to the restroom to grab the things he needed to clean his friend up. One damp cloth, one dry towel, and a cup of water later he’s back inside and closing the door to their room with a small click.

Kevin had simply pulled up his knees in the time Arnold was gone and placed his head on top of them, his hands had made their way to his hair to grip at it tiredly.

“Best friend.” Arnold whispers as he approaches, sitting beside Kevin. “Let’s clean you up okay?”

Kevin makes no acknowledgement he even hears Arnold until the shorter man touches his shoulder. Then he slowly untucks his legs and drops his arms, lifting his head to look at Arnold with a tired nod. Arnold was grateful that his friend was at least now able to register words and past the panic attack in general. Now all that was left was a very tired and hurting best friend that Arnold wanted so badly to just hold and never let go.

Arnold scooches a bit closer to Kevin so their thighs were touching, softly taking Kevin’s hands and deciding those were the first things that needed to be dealt with. Kevin seemed to have a little bout of anxiety every time he so much as glanced in the direction of his own hands to see the blood caked on them.

With that in mind Arnold quickly reaches for the damp cloth, tenderly bringing on of Kevin’s hands palm up over to his lap to start wiping away at the now dried up blood. It doesn't come of the easiest as there’s been plenty of time that’s passed between the incident and now but slowly it starts coming off. Every so often Arnold uses the cup of water to dampen the cloth again to make the process easier. He moves up Kevin’s wrists and eventually up Kevin’s left arm.

“Elder…?” Kevin whispers, making the boy jump out of his skin in surprise.

 “Yeah, what’s up buddy?” Arnold whispers back immediately, looking up with round listening eyes.

Kevin looks at him for a moment, but shakes his head and Arnold fights internally whether to push it or not. But in the end, he doesn't, just giving Kevin an understanding nod and taking the fluffy towel to dry and wipe away any of the dampness on his hands and arm. He knows Kevin will obviously be the first in the shower come morning, but his poor buddy honestly just needs to rest up right now.

The shorter boy looks up at his friend’s face, saddened by the empty look that stares back at him. Unable to help himself, he reaches up and puts his hand on Kevin’s cheek, his thumb picking at some of the caked blood there and earning a small wince in return.

“Sorry sorry.” He apologizes, grabbing the cloth and wetting it with water again to start the process for Kevin’s face and side of his neck.

Arnold can’t help but feel that this moment is an intimate one. How many other people would Kevin let in to do this for him? Maybe unconsciously, Kevin trusted Arnold more than he had thought. Arnold knew his mission companion was a pretty darn nervous guy internally, but he hid it rather well until today. Even the best people need a little help sometimes. Arnold thinks so anyways.

He’s grateful that he gets to be the one to help Kevin Price.

Once the neck is cleaned, it’s time for the face and it has a surprising amount of blood that’s been dried on mainly the left side. He starts around the chin area, earning another flinch from Kevin.

“Hey sorry pal, I’m sorry.” Arnold murmurs with concern, reaching his other hand up to run along his friend’s shoulder.

He tries to make his ministrations with the cloth softer after that. Arnold doesn't know if Kevin’s anxiety is getting the best of him since it’s his face and it’s a sensitive area, or if it’s because it’s a more emotionally vulnerable area, but he does his best to try and read his friend’s reactions accordingly.

Unconsciously, his other hand moves up to grip Kevin’s chin, trying to get a better angle on the blood near his cheekbone and ear. Kevin’s breath shutters for a moment, tensing under Arnold’s grip before slowly relaxing again as Arnold slowly picks away at the grime on his face.

Arnold can't help but give a sigh of relief himself when all the blood is finally wiped away from Kevin’s face, showing his friend’s entire visage better. It was like seeing the sun that had been covered by clouds. He takes the towel and reaches up to dry his friend’s face, wiping down his forehead first.

When he moves it over to the cheek, Kevin’s eyes meet his own and Arnold pauses, breath catching in his throat. His friend is rather pretty, but everyone seems to agree with that sentiment, so Arnold didn't feel as guilty thinking about it. One of Arnold’s favorite things about Kevin were his eyes, they were one of the easiest ways to read his friend. Those eyes seemed to shine with so many emotions, swirling and always changing. Dark brown with flecks of amber and dare he even say at certain times, blue. It's easy to get lost in them once they meet his own...like now.

He levels Kevin with a small grin, drying the jaw and tossing the towel with the other supplies. “All clean friend!” he chirps happily, immediately cringing at the volume of his voice. “Er, I mean, all clean buddy!” he repeats in a loud whisper.

This earns a soft smile from Kevin, eyes shimmering with something akin to fondness before his face fades back into one of exhaustion.

“Yeahhh, time for bed.” Arnold agrees with a grand yawn, getting up and gathering the supplies. He tosses both the fabrics in the dirty clothes bin, moving back into the restroom to pour out the water.

When he enters, Kevin has shed his clothes and is clad in his temple garments, looking uncomfortable. That was one thing Arnold never seemed to understand about his companion. Whenever they were in their temple garments, Kevin always seemed to be strangely awkward as if he was uncomfortable in his own skin.

Or maybe it made him feel too vulnerable, to shed that perfect golden boy skin and only have what was underneath. Did Kevin know he was perfect regardless? Arnold frowns at his conclusion. Probably not after tonight. He'd just have to tell him more!

There would need to be conversation about everything that happened tonight, but it wouldn't be any time soon.

After he strips down to his own garments, Arnold battles with himself internally yet again. He doesn't want to coddle Kevin if it makes him feel uncomfortable, but he’d also really like to hug his friend again…just maybe one more time before bed. He tries to distract himself with pulling back the covers and fluffing his pillow before he decides that he can’t do it. As usual when it comes to Kevin, Arnold is always selfish and so he hops over his own bed and sits next to his companion.

Kevin allows himself to be manhandled into another hug, giving a small exhale that didn't sound of the normal exasperation, but rather relief. They both allow themselves to drink in each other’s presence, just reveling being close to one another in the dark of the night.

“Hey best friend, I promise I’ll always be here for you okay? Always. You’re still gunna do incredible things and I’m gunna be right by your side when you do…and-and I’m-I just really hope you know I’ll never let you feel this way again okay? I’m gunna always make sure to be there and- “Arnold rambles, wanting desperately for Kevin to understand that he so loved and that Arnold would never let Kevin go. “I’m gunna protect you!” he blurts.

There was a small moment of silence before Kevin eventually shifts, moving his arms up to rest on Arnold’s front shoulders and gripping the fabric of the temple garment softly. “…Thank you, Arnold.” He whispers softly, and Arnold feels his heart constricting with that same thrum of protectiveness and fondness intermingled into one crazy emotional swirl.

Unable to resist, he runs a hand along Kevin’s back smoothly, enjoying the familiarity of the gesture. He cups the back of Kevin’s head and pets his hair, giving a small exhale of contentment. Things would be okay. They would definitely get past this and grow stronger because of it.

“Okay-you gotta sleep now.” He mumbles, stepping back and moving around Kevin’s bed to pull back the covers.

Just like their first night in Uganda he pulls the covers over Kevin and pats him on the face, albeit a little softer this time. Unable to help himself, he smooches his friend’s forehead and fluffs his pillows, making sure his friend is comfortable before moving to his own bed.

Arnold wiggles under his covers, laying on his side as he watches Kevin’s back. There’s a small longing inside of him to go and lay beside him and hold him, to make sure he’s sleeping well and that he knows he’s protected but Arnold squashes that down. He’s content to watch Kevin’s breathing even out and turn deeper in a very short amount of time. The emotions and panic attack clearly had worn his poor buddy out, and Arnold is grateful that sleep found Kevin so easily tonight.

With that thought, he closes his eyes and falls into a much-earned sleep.

Arnold wakes much later than he’s supposed to, judging by the sun already having risen high in the sky. With a big yawn he stretches his arms to the ceiling, fumbling sloppily for his glasses where he dropped them on the floor last night.

A quick shower and a fresh pair of clothes later and he’s up and out the door, venturing into the common area. Most Elders were already out and about, trying diligently to spread the good word of Jesus Christ to the Ugandan people.

Arnold is thrilled to see his mission companion isn't one of those people.

Kevin has his back turned towards his friend, wandering aimlessly around the common area with his nose buried in the Book of Mormon. Arnold can hear him mumbling verses under his breath and feels a pang of adoration in his heart.

“Best Friend!” he shouts with enthusiasm, feeling overjoyed that Kevin is even up and moving around.

His companion turns and Arnold can see the dark circles under his eyes and the slightly too pale sheen his skin has and then everything from last night rushes back to him. Unable to resist, Arnold crosses over and envelops his friend into a big bear hug. Kevin tenses in his arms and Arnold feels a small amount of hurt as Kevin pats his arm awkwardly before plucking them off and stepping back.

“Good morning Elder Cunningham-or well, should I say afternoon.” He says with a crooked grin and perfect white teeth. “You slept in far too late Elder. I vouched for you, but please don’t make this a habit. We all have jobs to do.”

“Yeah sorry buddy! I guess what happened last night kindaaa-well…anyway, how are you holdin’ up buddy?” Arnold grins, patting Kevin’s arm.

“I’m _great_  Elder, thanks for asking! How are you pal?” Kevin responds back in an abundance of enthusiasm and a peppy grin. It was almost too much for even Arnold to take in.

Arnold tilts his head, truly observing his mission companion diligently. Mission 1 always leads to success after all! He can see the way Kevin’s smile is tight around the edges, the way his eyes don’t crinkle or those brown irises burn with life like they usually would if it was a real smile. He can see the way Kevin holds himself almost too tall, posture too stiff. He can see...a lot of things really.

“Yeah well…last night was pretty craahahaazy and I think we should definitely tal-“

“Oh _no_ Elder, everything’s just fine. Don’t you worry about that.” Kevin interrupts with reassurance.

“Ooookay it’s just I mean, I know I kinda didn't make a big deal about when it happened, but I just got nervous and didn't know what to say-and so I kinda just blabbed and made a whatever comment but…that guy getting shot was pretty-“

“I’m _fine_ , Elder.” Kevin interrupts again, his tone tight and his smile straining. “We have a lot of work to do!”

“I know buddy I know! I just want to make sure you know that I’ll always be here for you okay? Don’t worry little buddy, know this much is true~” Arnold starts to coo before Kevin’s hand rests on his shoulder heavily, a look of frustration sparking in those chocolate irises.

“Yes yes Elder thank you. And I am here for you too, alright?”

He tries to push down the disappointment at these current events. Arnold knew Kevin would eventually bounce back, he just didn't think it would be that fast. Kevin was acting like his meltdown never even happened in the first place, some strange place of denial that had Arnold worrying. He didn't want to upset his best friend but at the same time, it wasn't right to just ignore it either. They really needed to have a conversation.

Kevin was now back to his Elder Price self with perfectly coiffed hair, the straightest posture in all the land, and a crisp uniform that only accented his grand presence. But no matter how perfectly the outfit was pressed, or how gorgeous those brown locks were, Arnold can see that Kevin’s eyes didn't hold the visionary spark that usually lingers within those irises.

“Buddy?” Arnold asks tentatively and he can already see Kevin tensing up which only makes him more nervous to talk.

“...Y-Yes? What is it, Elder?”

“You really scared me last night.” He admits honestly, looking up to his friend with wide dark eyes that could only convey the genuine worry and sadness he felt for Kevin.

And then Kevin deflates, shoulders slumping as if the life is being sucked out of him. He runs a hand through his hair which leaves a couple brown strands out of place but Arnold must admit he likes it better that way. Kevin inhales deeply through his nose and straightens his black tie. Arnold’s eyes naturally divert to the fabric and take in the shaky fingers that are lightly trembling around it.

“I…” Kevin starts but can’t find the words, shaking his head in frustration at himself while Arnold desperately tries to figure out how to approach the situation better. “That’s in the past. Tomorrow is a _Latter Day_ and all that, right?” he asks numbly almost bitterly, but there’s a certain tone that lingers even after he stops talking that sets Arnold’s heart jumping and his hairs raising with anxiety. 

Arnold snaps his arm out, gripping around Kevin’s wrist to feel the hidden tremors beneath that pale skin. He can hear Kevin yelp his name in surprise as his other hand moves to grip Kevin’s other wrist. Frustrated, his eyes swivel up to Kevin’s own, meeting Kevin’s shocked pale gaze before he yanks his friend’s wrists harshly over to him. Kevin stumbles over and almost into him with shout of protest, but regains his balance just in time to not collide with the smaller Elder. Arnold’s eyes don’t break contact, his stare only magnified by his glasses and Kevin is the one to avert his gaze first to stare down at the floor.  This only serves to agitate Arnold further as Elder Price would never do such a thing. Elder Price is perfect and luminous and fantastic. Elder Price will do something wonderful. Elder Price should definitely not be averting his gaze to someone like Arnold. It was wrong and troubling and too many other words that Arnold didn't have the patience to figure out right now.

Because what matters most in that particular afternoon, is the knowledge that his friend isn't okay and hiding behind pretty white teeth and fake smiles cannot change that. Arnold promised he’d protect him, and he didn't break promises, so he’d just have to try harder. Everything about this situation is frustrating.

“Elder Cunningham…” Kevin whispers, the smallest amount of fear trembling in his tone.

Arnold sighs, moving to reach his arms around and pull his best friend into a soft hug. His hands rest in the middle of Kevin’s tense back, giving a couple of rubs up and down for good measure.

“Oh. Good, you’re both here.” A voice interrupts, and Kevin flinches backwards harder than anyone Arnold has ever seen, almost knocking himself into the couch.

Elder McKinley stands in the doorway, a hand on his hip and determined eyes. “We have some things to talk about Elders.” He says expectantly, closing the door behind him and effectively sealing off any sort of escape route and imprisoning the two to their fate.


	4. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a long talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Ayy new chapterrrrrr. Elder McKinley is an interesting character to write for. I don't like the stereotype people write him out to be sometimes as this super soft baby. he's a district leader, he needs to take care of his boys! I dunno how I like this chapter though ;w;

The duo watches their district leader as he approaches them with determined eyes and a firm frown. Elder McKinley usually kept a good balance between fun and firm, but when he needed to, he always stepped up. Or rather, tried to.

Arnold wasn’t much of a fan of Elder McKinley ever since last night though.

“Elders. It’s just us in the hut, everyone else is out spreading the word as well as helping with the…rather unfortunate situation that happened yesterday.”

Kevin stiffens and Arnold can see out of the corner of his eye that his partner clenches his hands into fists before quickly bringing them behind his back. They clasp together tightly as Kevin stands ramrod straight, stiff as a board.

“…Elder McKinley…may I- “Kevin begins to ask, but is immediately cut off by a negative hum from McKinley.

“No, you may not.” The district leader’s tone holds no tone for argument, and Arnold knows Kevin is trying not to balk at the blatant refusal.

“…But, I didn’t even get to ask my request. Elder-what happened yesterday-I should at least be there to- “

“Elder Price. I said no and that is the end of it.” McKinley interrupts, his eyes flashing with frustration at being challenged.

A thick and heavy silence filled the room and Arnold isn’t willing to try and say something after that display. McKinley sighs heavily, gesturing to the couch amiably and looking at the two with heavy expectance. Not wanting to push it, Arnold walks over, passing past his friend and giving him a slightly worried glance. Kevin follows him over to the couch and they both sit.

Kevin fidgets with his hands, and Arnold knows his buddy is severely uncomfortable at the situation. Arnold surmises Kevin has probably never been in a situation like this, or can maybe count the number of times this has happened on a single hand. His best buddy was far too good and wholesome to be getting chewed out. Arnold though, he was used to these sorts of talks, mainly from his father about expectation and consequence.

Still, it didn’t make them any easier no matter how many times these happened.

“Alright you two.” McKinley sighs, moving over in front of them with his hands on his hips. “I know that you’re aware you broke rules last night. Not only that, but you worried the entire mission hut from your frightening decisions and endangered your mission companion! Nights in Uganda are dangerous Elders! You should know better than to go running off, regardless of what has happened. We need to stick together.” The red-haired Elder lectures, his blue eyes flashing with light concern.

Kevin stiffens again and Arnold needs to resist the urge to just pull his mission companion over into a hug.

“What we need to do now is be open with each other, so we can try and prevent this from happening again.” McKinley says, and Arnold thinks that is reasonable enough. Elder McKinley really was a pretty good leader when he needed to be.

The leader sighs, tucking some sandy red hair behind his ear and frowning. “Elders I know that this isn’t your first choice of destination. None of us exactly expected to be in this situation.” He says wearily, looking over at the two of them with stern frustration. “But this is our mission now, do you understand? We were sent here, and we must spread the good word of Christ in Uganda no matter the hardships we face.”

“Elder McKinley- “Kevin tries, but the redhead holds up his hand in indication for him to be silent. Arnold watches as his friend flushes red with shame and maybe some embarrassment, his head jerking downwards.

“We kinda saw a guy get shot though! I mean…I didn’t really see it more than I heard it cuz best friend was in front of me, but-like-we were freaked out!” Arnold blurts loudly, startling the other Elders in the room.

“Elder Cunningham.” McKinley says in warning.

“I don’t think we should be in trouble cuz we were like…I dunno scared or something!” Arnold continues to press, giving a strong frown and crossing his arms.

“Elder Cunningham, stop.” Kevin barks in response and Arnold feels yet another flare of hurt that Kevin seems to be unable to agree or take his side this morning.

“But- “

“I don’t need you to make excuses for us Arnold! We broke the rules, and we need to accept that and do what we can to seek forgiveness and move on.” Kevin replies harshly back, his eyes glinting with something akin to angry mortification.

Arnold swallows, feeling that small bundle of hurt roar to life as Kevin chides him. He was just trying to help! The shorter boy furrows his eyes, turning to look at Kevin with frustration.

“You’re just sayin’ that because you’re embarrassed and because if you stand up for yourself that means you’ll haveta talk about it and share- “

“No! I’m not!” Kevin interrupts with a yell, eyes widening at his raised voice and leaning back slightly. “I mean-no that’s not why-” he says at a softer tone, backpedaling quickly and running a frustrated hand through his locks, turning towards McKinley. “Elder I’m…I’m real sorry about what happened last night. It won’t happen again, I promise.” Kevin murmurs, clasping his hands together and looking down at his lap.

McKinley looks at the duo with an expression akin to someone having sucked on a sour lemon. “That little display Elders, was rather telling. Your relationship is clearly strained, and that is incredibly concerning. It is very unbecoming of you to argue like this, you are mission companions! You have to support and learn from each other on this journey together!”

“No-No no way it’s not strained at all!” Arnold interjects quickly, giving the other Elder a rather desperate smile. “Right buddy?” Arnold grins, turning to Kevin.

“We’re fine.” Kevin clenches his jaw, refusing to raise his eyes to look at the others.

“Elder Price? Is there something you’d like to share?” McKinley urges softly.

“No…I just- “he sighs, but eventually straightens his posture and looks up at Elder McKinley with quiet respect. “We’re both very sorry about what happened last night Elder. I’d really like to make up for that, and we’ll take whatever punishment you see fit.”

“This isn’t supposed to be a punishment Elder Price; any ramifications are simply to help you come to terms with what’s happened and guide you back to forgiveness with Heavenly Father.” The redhead says calmly.

“I understand.” Kevin says plainly, shifting lightly in anticipation.

Arnold tries to push down all the hurt he’s feeling from Kevin’s reactions this morning. He understands it’s hard for his friend to accept what happened last night, but Arnold didn’t exactly know why. There wasn’t anything embarrassing about having a panic attack. Uganda was really stressful so far! Arnold suspects that most of the Elders probably had similar reactions in the beginning, right? It was more than frustrating to be on the other end of denial and Arnold wishes Kevin would at least acknowledge his presence. He feels more like a puppy being scolded for something.

The dismissive behavior reminds him of his dad. Arnold hates the feeling.

“You’re acting like it never even happened.” Arnold whines sourly, unable to help the words tumbling out of his mouth. “But I think it helped us grow closer!”

Kevin whips his head over to Arnold, eyes flashing with anger. “Well it didn’t!” he barks back.

“Oh come on!” Arnold yells back with frustration. “It’s not somethin’ to feel bad about buddy!”

“Of course it isn’t because nothing happened!” Kevin yells back heatedly, and Arnold sees his ears slowly turning pink in mortification.

“ELDERS!” McKinley shouts over them, his eyes wide with surprised disbelief. “What has gotten into you both? This is a rather terrible impression you’re making I have to say!” he says in a winded fashion, putting a hand up to his heart and placing the other one on his cocked hip. “This comes to an end now! You are to stay inside for the entire day with each other and complete everyone’s chores for the day along with cooking dinner! Maybe working together will remind you that you are mission companions and this is not how you are supposed to act.” The redhead scolds with firm resolve.

Kevin blanches, and Arnold sees him lose the rest of the color he barely had. “I-Elder McKinley!” he gapes. “But I need to be-out there, doing work- “

“This is not a bartering system Elder Price!”

“But-you don’t understand!” Elder Price responds quickly after, fumbling off the couch and wringing his hands together. “I-how can I just sit inside and do such menial tasks when-when they’re out there after what happened, and I-I really should be there- “he rambles, and Arnold finds his frustration being replaced concern gnawing at his heart seeing his companion fumbling with his words so badly.

“Really, I need to do something-please I’ve really truly learned my lesson- Please let me work-“ Kevin tries, the desperation in his eyes strangely out of place on his face.

“Elder Price, you’re not to go outside. Clearly your mission is more important than you thought it was, because last night you were very ready to simply up and leave us.” McKinley replies in a cold tone.

Kevin flinches back as if he’s been hit.

“I-I know that but I really…I just wasn’t in my right mind so if you’d please just allow me to- “

“We tried to teach you our ways of dealing with the…rather disturbing things here Elder Price. But you chose not to listen and unfortunately more than just you paid the consequence. If anything, I’d think you’d be happy you don’t have to go outside today from the way you’ve been behaving.” The redhead sighed, putting a hand to his temples. “If you had just learned how to turn it off like we all learned to do here- “

“How can I _turn it off_  when someone’s brain matter splattered against my face huh!?” Price shouts in angry retaliation, and his voice bounces off the walls.

Arnold shifts to look at Kevin, his eyes wide with concern. He’d never heard his him shout like that before, Arnold keeping his eyes locked onto Kevin’s side of his face. His dark eyes then swiveled down to eye his friend's hands, which were beginning to tremble. McKinley seems just as shocked, his blue eyes wide with surprise, frozen in place.

A bad sign.

“Elder Pr-“

“You all just push it down and act like nothing ever bad happens here but you weren’t the one with someone’s blood on your face! You weren’t the one who saw someone get shot in front of you, who saw a man point a gun to someone’s head and pull the trigger like-like it was nothing at all! Pulling the trigger on someone who-who was just trying to protect his family!” Kevin shouts raggedly, balling up his hands into tight fists, knuckles white with strain.

“Oh g-he…he had a family. He-he had a wife and-and a baby. A child-he had a _child_!” Kevin murmurs in a sudden realization, looking down at his hands with wide unseeing eyes. “How can I just-turn that off…knowing that a family was destroyed, knowing that maybe I could have- “

“No-buddy, don’t you even think about it! It wasn’t your fault!” Arnold interrupts, lunging off the couch and quickly taking Kevin’s hands in his own.

Kevin quickly backs up, wrenching his hands out of the grip and shaking his head in reply.

“Elder Price- “McKinley starts, but he seems to slump in dejection, blue eyes revealing and abundance of concern and sympathy instead of the firm resolve he held prior. “I am…so sorry you had to go through that. But you’re choosing to stay, which is very… very admirable. You want to make a difference here, we all do!” He says softly, as if he was approaching a frightened animal. “These people don’t believe now, but we can show them-we can teach them the ways and they will be so much better for it. If anything, this is the perfect time to-“

“Don’t you _dare_ finish that sentence! People’s- _deaths_ are not experiments to take advantage of!” Kevin interrupts with a shout, feeling his eyes well up with tears. He should have done something, could have done something to save that man. But he just froze up in fear, and watched helplessly as someone was killed right in front of his eyes.

How could Heavenly Father have allowed that to happen? How could Heavenly Father have done this to someone who was simply trying to protect his family? Was this a punishment? Was this because Kevin had done something to displease Him? Because he had failed in his first attempts to convert the Ugandan people? Because he was a bad mission companion? Why-why-why?

“That isn’t what I meant El-“

“ _NO!_ I’m sick of you all acting like everything is fine! It’s. Not. Fine! Your little light switch-flick-pushing it down-trick thing doesn't work! _Nothing_ works around here! It’s like everything is backwards and forwards at the same time and when I look up I’m looking at the ground-and _why_ is it that _I’m_ somehow the odd one out here-doesn't anyone feel the same way as I do!? Doesn't anyone see that this place is backwards too!?” Kevin stutters and gasps, slowly backing up from the two. “Why am I the one that can’t seem to get anything _right_ -I-I _always_ get it right-I have to! I’ve never not-gotten something-Ive never-I _have_ to get it right! It’s everyone else that isn't making sense- “he stammers, a hitched whimper tumbling out of his mouth.

Arnold hates this situation. No matter what he does, he knows any action he takes will result in a failure. Kevin will refuse any sort of comfort or contact because of his desperation to save face. But if this continues, then he will talk himself back into another panic attack which is the last thing Arnold wants after the terrible events of last night. He promised his friend he'd protect him.

Unable to stand by and watch his friend battle this alone, Arnold reaches out and latches onto Kevin’s wrists in determination. He feels Kevin tense before his friend tries to pull away, but Arnold is having none of it. He pulls back, sending Kevin stumbling towards him and uses that leverage to wrap his thicker arms around his friend’s body, one hands cupping the back of his head to bring him down to his shoulder and the other on his back.

"Hey stop. Stop it buddy-"

he murmurs.

“Don’t _touch_ me!” Kevin rasps, pushing against his companion’s chest.

Arnold stands firm, taking a deep breath before exhaling softly. “It’s okay best friend. It’s okay.” He murmurs softly, petting Kevin’s hair. “Remember what I said last night to you? I’m not gunna break that promise.” He tells his companion seriously, feeling the ragged breaths that Kevin is desperately taking in shake his body.

Kevin’s knees give out eventually, and they harshly thud against the wooden floor as he gives up, kneeling into Arnold’s hold with a broken sob.

“I should have _done_ something-“ he cries brokenly, his voice muffled into Arnold’s neck.

“You did nothing wrong.” Arnold replies softly, tenderly.

“I couldn’t even move, I was just-fro- _frozen_ like a-”

“Everyone was frozen buddy, he-he had guns and...”

“W-Why am I like this? I don’t want to be like this again!” Kevin weeps, his voice cracking and his hands moving up to clutch at Arnold’s shirt like a lifeline.

Arnold says nothing, merely holding his friend tighter, tilting his head down to rest on Kevin’s head. “You’re so great buddy, you are...There’s no way anyone is blaming you for what happened- “

“They should- “

“ _No_! They shouldn’t. When we go visit the village tomorrow, you’ll see. I promise! But like-I just wish you’d just accept that you don't gotta bottle all this bad stuff up. It makes me really sad when you pretend to be okay and you’re not. It doesn’t make you any less perfect to talk about your feelings yaknow? “

“Elder- “

“It doesn’t!” Arnold says with such genuine certainty that no one could deny such a claim.

Kevin is quiet for a moment, taking long deep breaths to help counteract the spell he almost worked himself into. His hands are still trembling as they clutch at Arnold’s shirt but slowly they become steadier. It wasn’t as bad this time because Arnold managed to tame it before it could get worse but Kevin briefly wonders if this is what his life will be like now. A whirlwind of the inability to breathe, doubts and voices whispering and shouting inside of his mind.

“I’m…sorry.” Kevin says softly after a while. Apologies sound strange on his lips, but its genuine.

“For what?” Arnold asks in confusion, patting his friend’s back and giving him a tight squeeze of a hug before pulling back with a toothy grin.

Kevin’s eyes are red rimmed with weariness and crying, but the gentle smile he gives to Arnold in return is more beautiful than the sun and moon combined. Arnold can feel the moment his breath catches in his throat and he can’t seem to look away but then-

“Elders...?” McKinley’s hesitant voice rings out.

They both turn, and the district leader is wearing an expression of alarmed concern. He clearly hadn’t been expecting the golden super Mormon to nearly have a breakdown and for Arnold to have handled it so swiftly.

“Are you alright?” he asks seriously, moving over to the two and placing a hand on each one of their shoulders. Arnold didn’t envy Elder McKinley’s position right now. It must be hard to be strict and try and be a friend at the same time.

“I think we’re okay, right pal?” Arnold asks, looking down at Kevin, who nods softly in response.

“Yeah…we are.” Kevin replies gently, this time with sincerity.

McKinley looks torn at their certainty, almost seeming to wish that they would have said no so he could step in more. But instead, he gives a resolved nod, stepping back from the pair. “Okay. I think we all need some time to gather our bearings and relax.” He concludes, giving them a small smile. “You are to be confined to the mission hut still, and you need to do some of the chores, but please take the day to mainly relax Elders. Oh, and don’t worry about dinner.” He nods, clasping his hands behind his back.

“I think you’re already on your way to having a conversation so I won’t push it however, please do try and be honest with each other. I think I might have to admit I was wrong about a couple things later. Tonight, I’d like to have a discussion with both of you, separately, to discuss some things that happened. How does that sound?” McKinley asks with a nod.

He earns two nods back in return.

Satisfied, the leader gives them a relieved smile. “Elders, please do try and relax a bit today. I think it’s much needed and I should have come to that conclusion sooner. For that, I apologize and hope we can discuss this later in more detail. For now, take it easy.” McKinley finishes, turning to move towards the door. “We’ll see you soon!” He says, giving them a wave before he pushes the door open and moves out into the Ugandan heat.

As the door shuts with a small thud, Kevin slumps into Arnold heavily with relief. Arnold can feel his friend’s weight lean into him more, and wonders what he did to be so lucky to have Kevin Price as a mission companion.

Time passes and they just breathe together, words not needed at this point in time as Arnold holds Kevin. He enjoys listening to Kevin’s breathing slow down and move into a deeper relaxed pattern.

“I’m sorry I haven’t realized what a great friend you have been to me up until now…Arnold.” Kevin murmurs with a slight slur, finishing his thought process from before.

Arnold’s heart stutters in his chest at the tender confession from his mission companion, his first name coming from Kevin’s lips struck a chord along his heartstrings.

Oh… _wow_ -gee buddy.” He responds with a breathy tone, feeling like he was flying above the clouds at such a statement.

Arnold feels Kevin press tighter against him and he’s unable to help the overjoyed grin that spreads across his round face. Kevin was willingly seeking comfort, contact, safety. From Arnold no less! He eagerly allows his arms to tighten around his friend, enjoying the now rather familiar contours of Kevin’s body.

He can feel Kevin’s breaths puff against his neck softly, the way he allows his full weight to rest against Arnold’s body. There’s a sort of elation that beats in Arnold’s heart when he realizes that Kevin is trusting him to see him at this level of vulnerability. He wonders how many others have such a privilege.

“Hey, are you okay though?” Arnold murmurs down to him, voice a near whisper.

He receives silence as an answer.

“Buddy…?” Arnold asks softly again, craning his head down to look at his best friend.

He sees closed eyes, deep breaths, and a slightly parted mouth in return. Had he fallen asleep? Arnold’s eyes soften at the sight, moving his hand up to brush a couple of brown strands away from Kevin’s face. This causes Kevin to break out of his sleepy daze, unconsciously raising his head with a confused hum though his eyes stayed closed.

“Shhh…sorry…” Arnold coos, biting his lip to contain an excited squeal as Kevin complies, laying his head back down to nestle into Arnold’s shoulder.

Anxiety apparently wore Kevin out to the point of soft compliance or exhaustion. Arnold chides himself for the selfish thoughts that come next, but at the same time he cannot help that they exist. It was nice holding Kevin in his arms, to be so close to his mission companion after these attacks.

Kevin was never like this when he was awake, playing the role of perfect Mormon boy, untouchable and unfaltering. Even just moments ago he had rejected Arnold’s touches and attempts to try and comfort him. It seemed only when Kevin was at his most vulnerable that Arnold could get through to him. Arnold, with shame in his head and selfishness in his heart, thanked Heavenly Father for giving him the chance to hold Kevin Price.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Thanks again so much for reading. Your comments give me so much life aaa I"m so lucky I have people who like this fic!


	5. Cracked Plates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the dishes are washed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //I hope you didn't forget about me! :'D JUST HERE TO BRING YOU YOUR DAILY DOSE OF PAIN . I'm so sorry for this chapter.

Kevin Price wakes up with a throb in his temple and an exhaustion set deep in his bones. His eyes crack open blearily at the sound of plates clinking together running water from the little kitchen. Groggily, he pushes himself up, confused when he finds himself on the living area couch with a throw blanket wrapped around him. Arnold’s humming knocks him out of his disoriented daze and he props himself up, looking over to see his mission companion at the sink washing dishes.

“Elder Cunningham?” he asks groggily, putting a hand to his forehead for a moment and then wiping some stray brown strands away from his face.

Arnold pauses, craning his neck around to see Kevin staring at him in a rather lost manner, blanket hanging off him, body half propped up by his hands. He grins, quickly turning and making his way over to Kevin.

“Buddy! You were supposed to sleep longer than like…10 minutes!” he attempts to chide but his grin is wide.

He bounds over to give Kevin a hug, flinging water everywhere as he reaches out his arms. Kevin can’t help but pull back with a cringe and a sound of distaste that tumbles out of his lips makes Arnold pause. Only then does the jubilant boy realize his hands and forearms were still soaking wet with soapy water, pulling a sheepish smile from him.

“Oops-okay yeah, bad idea-one sec!” Arnold announces, quickly retracing his steps back to the sink and drying his hands with a dish towel.  
Kevin stares at Arnold’s back with a furrowed brow. Had he really fallen asleep? Did Arnold put him on the couch then? Could there be anything more mortifying in his life than the past 24 hours of this forsaken trip?

His ears burn with embarrassment and it takes everything in him to not just flop back down on the couch and hide inside the blanket where it was dark and quiet. The loud thumps of Arnold rushing back over thuds in his ears.

“Scooch!” Arnold chirps in excitement.

That is the only warning Kevin gets before he is manhandled by his mission companion who grabs under his armpits to hold him up for a moment, a yelp of surprise falling from his lips. Arnold flops on the couch with a happy sigh and then allows Kevin to sink back down to his previous laying position except for this time, his head is propped nicely on Arnold’s lap.

“Elder Cunningham!” he exclaims with slight mortification, opening his eyes which don’t meet the ceiling but instead Arnold’s big dark eyes staring down at him.

“Relaaaax!” his mission companion assures him happily, unable to help himself and reach out to pat Kevin’s face gently.

“This is really not- “

“Buuuuuddy, you clearly don’t know how to relax by yourself, so I’m just trying to help!” Arnold counters back with a chipper smile. “Maybe you just need a cuddle buddy! Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I’ll sleep with my stuffed turtle! Dad says it’s sort of a disappointment that at my age I sleep with a stuffed animal so I try an’ keep him under my pillow-but sometimes it’s just nice to have someone there, ya know? Sooo, I’ll be your cuddle buddy, and you can get some more sleep cuz well, no offense but you’re still not lookin’ so great. I mean-you always look great! But like-maybe not as great as you could be and I know you always wanna be your best and everything-“

Kevin cringes slightly, tilting his head away from Arnold’s concerned gaze and earnest ramblings. In the end, the embarrassment gets the better of him and he half-heartedly swats at his mission companion’s grabbing fingers. He struggles up into a sitting position, moving further away from Arnold with a frustrated sigh.

“Hey! Heeey buddy-” Arnold says, his voice raising into that concerned coo he sometimes does when he knows Kevin is upset, and it simultaneously irks and soothes his friend at the same time. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing! I just-“ Kevin starts, sucking a breath through his teeth quickly, trying to quell his rising frustration for this entire situation.

He was tired. He was frustrated. He was lost. Kevin knew it wasn't fair to take this ill behavior out on Arnold, who had surprisingly been always at his side when he needed it the most. But everything was in shambles, and that now also included his finely tuned image. It had all but shattered in front of Arnold, but even worse, now his crafted persevered presentation had been ruined in front of his district leader too.

“I don’t need to be coddled okay? I just-I want to get to work.” He huffs, his tone edging on harsh. “We have a lot of chores to do.”

Arnold makes that face that is reminiscent of a pout, reaching out to latch a hand onto Kevin’s shoulder. It feels like a claw to Kevin, suffocating, big and hard to shake off.

“Buddy, I already started on the dishes!” Arnold assures with a small expanding of his chest, proud of his productive accomplishment. “Besides, you really need to sleep a bit more. Did you even sleep much last night? You were up super early-“

“Elder Cunningham, I really don’t think that is what we need to be focusing on now.” Kevin interrupts with an agitated shake of his head, leaning away from Arnold’s grip and getting off of the couch.

The large hand slips from his shoulder to grip at his wrist instead.

Clenching his jaw, Kevin turns to give Arnold what can only be a stare of warning flashing in his eyes. “Stop-touching me, we really need to get to work.” He commands, giving his arm a weak tug in the expectation that Arnold would release his appendage.

The hand grips tighter, unwilling to be shaken off. Kevin swivels his head to look at Arnold and sees a strange desperation in his mission companion’s eyes. He tries to pull his arm back with more force this time, but Arnold isn't having it, the warm fingers clamp down solidly. Kevin backs up in the attempt of getting leverage, grabbing Arnold’s wrist to try and pry it off while pulling but Arnold simply gets off the couch, no compromise in his eyes.

“Elder Cunningham!” he eventually huffs in frustration, beginning to feel his heart pump with helpless anxiety as he fumbles and tugs at the now almost harsh grip.

He didn't know why Arnold was being so uncooperative. Such a change in behavior was a little more than alarming. Kevin wasn't even sure what seemed to trigger the change.

His shoes scrabble on the ground, not getting enough grip to give him enough leverage to reclaim his arm. He didn't know what was more embarrassing, that Arnold was potentially stronger than him when he wanted to be, or that his gaze was unnerving Kevin more than his strength.

“Please don’t do this.” Arnold murmurs with a mixture of sadness and desperation.

The tone is spoken in such a soft way that it snaps Kevin out of his frustration momentarily, and he looks back over to the shorter Elder with wide eyes.

“Elder Cunni-

“Please! I don’t wanna do this again.” Arnold shouts with a more familiar volume from him. “You’re angry at me or somethin' cuz you're embarrassed about crying! You’re trying to just forget about everything that happened act like it's all just normal, and wanna forget everything we went through and I don’t want to! I don’t want you to!!” the shorter boy shouts, and there’s a frustration in his voice that sets Kevin’s blood to boil.

Why couldn't he just let it go?

“Stop behaving so immaturely Elder Cunningham!” he snaps, eyes flashing with anger. “We have important things to do, I don’t have time to have a cuddle session with you, or-or to just cry and mope about feelings all day over something that happened yesterday!” he sneers, his shame being transformed into anger to help spur him on.

“Hey! Maybe I’m not the one being the immature one huh?” Arnold argues back, earning a stunned look from the taller Mormon. “I…why do you have to be so mean sometimes? I’m only trying to help, and you’re clearly going through sort of a bad time right now. I just wanna be there for you!”

“I don’t need you to be there for me! I don’t want you to!” he shouts back petulantly, giving his wrist a harsh tug.

Arnold’s eyes flash with something dangerous. It’s raw and genuine and it gleams through his dark brown irises.

“You thanked me!! You-I promised I’d protect you, and you thanked me!! I’m not going to break that promise-never ever!” Arnold shouts, his grip on Kevin’s turning into bruising for a moment before it loosens again.

The declaration turns Kevin's ears pink and the embarrassment the shame of last night's meltdown is as consuming as Arnold's grip on his wrist.

“Let me go. Right. Now.” Kevin warns.

Arnold doesn't.

Kevin tugs, a helpless whine falling from his lips as Arnold moves along with him to keep the grip from straining. In an act of rebellion, he even grips Kevin’s other wrist with a challenging gaze, getting Kevin to suck in an angry inhale through his teeth to prevent from outright shouting in outage at the audacity of his 'friend'.

“You keep flip-flopping on me! Like we’ll be sharing deep thoughts and have really important times together-and-and then all the sudden it’s like you’re a different person! You get all mad and frustrated and fidgety.” Arnold says with a vexed voice. “Why are you trying to hide so much? You know I think you’re amazing, you don’t need to hide from me of all people!”

“I’m not hiding!” Kevin screams. “Would you stop talking and just let me-”

“No!! Because those moments brought us closer and-and maybe if you’d think about that instead of the bad things then you’d be a bit more okay with being afraid-“

“I am NOT. Afraid.” Kevin seethes.

“You are afraid- you are!! And it’s okay!” Arnold retorts strongly. “I’m a follower you know, and I’ll follow you forever buddy! But you’re my mission companion too and I know a lot more than you think I do!! I know you don’t like crowds, and I know you get nervous about a lot of touching and I know messing up scares you-a lot. It might be one of the scariest things ever for you! I know you’re afraid to fail-I know that you like to pretend…” Arnold rambles, slowing down at the end and seeming to deflate.

Kevin listens in horrified silence. His struggles cease, arms going slack in Arnold’s grip. Arnold, one of the most thick-headed people had managed to observe those things? He had seen him to the point of being familiar with his fears and anxiety? It was shameful. Those dark eyes that would crinkle up when happy and twinkle with enthusiasm held a strange depth that Kevin hadn't seen before. It made him feel like he was being picked apart, being exposed for everyone to see.

“I know you put on a lot of smiles to trick everyone that you’re okay, but you’re actually really sad…” the shorter of the two mumbles, and glances up with a genuine empathy for Kevin’s struggle that shines in his eyes.

Kevin freezes. No one should ever know him like that. No one was ever supposed to see such ugly flawed parts of him. No one.

“You don’t know anything about me.” Kevin hisses in denial, his voice a whisper as his heart hammers out of his chest, his world being flipped on its side.

He wrenches his arm back forcefully, able to free one of his wrists from Arnold's grasp. He tucks it up to his chest, clutching his tie as the white noise washes around him. How many people had seen what Arnold had seen? How many people saw through his smiles and his perfect golden boy charm? Why had Heavenly Father done this to him? Kevin didn't still know. Arnold wouldn't let go of his wrist, it feels like a chain.

“Hey-“ Arnold says in trepidation, reaching his free hand up in an attempt to touch Kevin’s cheek.

“You don’t know ANYTHING about me!” Kevin repeats loudly, swatting Arnold’s hand away from him and backing up.

“Kevin-“ Arnold says, the desperation is back in his eyes.

Kevin understands why Arnold won’t let go of his wrist. If that last contact is severed between them, he must know that this might be the last time they talk. That he might have crossed a boundary that they can’t go back from and that Kevin would choose to leave or play pretend instead of having genuine connections with his peers, and more important, Arnold.

“Don’t call me that, and let my-let my gosh darn wrist go! Now!! You are severely overstepping-“ Kevin hisses angrily, relishing momentarily in the way Arnold winces.

“I-well I’m just tryna-“

It’s gotten past the point of exasperation or frustration. The hand latched around his wrist just feels like a chain and Kevin can only feel as the helplessness overtakes him. “Get off!” he shouts that sounds more like a plea, twisting his body to try and break the connection.

Unable to take it anymore, he throws his entire body backwards with an angry grunt as a last-ditch effort to get Arnold off of him without resorting to violence. Instead, his shoes can’t find purchase from the momentum and he slips backwards. Their connection brings Arnold down with him, who jerks forward with a surprised shout. The wind is knocked out of him, a forced exhale leaving his body as Arnold falls halfway onto him as his back shouts in pain. There’s a moment that’s just of their breathing, trying to recover from the moment of shock. The pressure on his chest subsides and with a forced groan he cracks open his eyes. His blurry vision clears to see Arnold over him, breathing heavily and looking at him with a worried gaze. Kevin’s head is lifted slightly and it’s only then does he realize that Arnold cupped the back of his head as they fell to protect it before they crashed.

Something about that has his heart thudding in his chest all over and his face feeling hot.

They stare at each other, and Kevin is acutely aware of their fingers brushing on the floor. Feels Arnold’s leg shift slightly near his ankles. He knows the strain his mission companion is going through just to keep himself above and straddling Kevin instead of just crushing him under all his weight. Understands that Arnold’s worried gaze has never been more genuine.

“Get off of me.” Kevin whispers shakily, swallowing thickly.

Arnold wants to protest, Kevin can see it in his eyes. He wants to ask Kevin if he’s okay, cup his cheek, give him a hug and talk. But instead, his eyes dim and he gives a resigned nod. Their fingers brush lightly as Arnold heaves himself up from his straddled position.

Kevin allows his eyes to close in exhaustion for a moment before he rolls onto his stomach and then into a kneeling position. His hand automatically tucks itself to his chest, the other coming up to rub at the reddened area that would surely bruise later.

“Buddy…I…I’m-” Arnold croaks softly, his voice is hoarse and cracked.

Kevin doesn't look at him.

“Please..best friend I didn't mean-“

“I am NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND! I was just STUCK with you by the mission president!” Kevin screams with venom and an emotion too raw to name.  
There is silence.

Guilt and regret hits him so hard that he exhales as if he physically suffered a blow. He didn't mean that. He didn't. Kevin knew out of everyone, Arnold was probably the last person to blame for his current suffering. It was just so easy to yell at the person who felt so stifling. But those words he just flung at the other boy was a poison. He didn't yell like that, that wasn't what good Mormon boys did…it wasn't what Kevin did. There was so much shouting and anger lately that stemmed from his own shame. Everything just hurts. He had just wanted someone else to understand-

More silence.

He honestly didn't mean to...

He cranes his head back and sees Arnold is just still as stone. It spurs him to turn fully and get up from his knees and move towards his mission companion hesitantly. The taller of the two swallows thickly, the guilt churning in his stomach. His eyes avert to the floor, hands fidgeting at his sides.

“I didn't-I didn't mean to say stuck I- “he whispers, wringing his hands.

“No-no it’s okay. I get it.” Arnold says simply.

Kevin looks up and sees the resignation in Arnold’s eyes, the smile that has turned sad and heartbreaking.

“It's just I-“

“I’m gunna uh…go make my bed okay? I haven’t…haven’t done that yet.” Arnold interrupts, smiling wide before turning quickly and making his way out of the room faster than Kevin has ever seen him go.

The living room is thick with silence. His head finds its way into his hands and he exhales, breath hitching along the way. He can feel his wrist throbbing and his hands trembling. His heart is still beating out his chest.

But nothing compares to the guilt that is churning in his gut.

He wants to feel satisfied, that Arnold finally realizes that he’s stifling. He wants to feel relieved that he can breathe without Arnold being around to take his breath away with his overwhelming hugs and constant chatter. He wants a lot of things.

A door shuts.

But none of those wants to exist, and it’s replaced with the worst kind of aching in his chest.

He glances down the hallway, a different kind of helplessness thrums through his body. Kevin swallows thickly, and his hands are back to wringing themselves with worry. The want, the need, to chase after Arnold is easily overturned by his cowardice and shame. It burns behind his eyes but it is ignored.

He goes to the kitchen to finish the dishes instead.

Not even the soft clank of plates and soapy splashes can fill the thick and stifling silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Thanks for sticking with me. I'm still trying to find a balance in length. usually chapters are about 5-6 pages. I'm struggling with the pacing sometimes, like I know it's sort of a slow burn here. I'm eager to improve. Your comments really give me motivation to continue!


	6. Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which true kindness is shown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //WHATS THIS AN UPDATE RIGHT AFTER ANOTHER UPDATE!? I couldn't let the angst linger like that lmao

Being inside the mission hut without the other Elders around feels taboo in a way. Without Arnold’s voice to fill the silence, Kevin is simply left to mull over the whirlwind of emotions that have assaulted him in the past 24 hours. He finishes drying the cutlery without much thought, drying his hands on a dishtowel idly. He turns around and is met with the empty room that suddenly feels a lot bigger and more expansive than it had previously. Everything seems so big now that he’s alone.

He tries not to mull on such a subject, instead choosing to put away the newly dried dishes back into the cabinets. The harsh clinks of the cutlery have him pushing down a wave of anxiety that seems to approach him now like a long-lost friend who wants to catch up on old times. Kevin runs a hand through his brunette locks, clenching his jaw in helpless frustration.

A soothing voice whispers to him in his mind that it’s not too late, that he can salvage this situation by leaving. Orlando would be better. Orlando would be sweeter. Orlando would be kinder.

Before he registers what he’s doing, Kevin has dropped a fork on the floor and making his way over to the entrance door. The harsh clang of the silverware hitting the ground lingers throughout the room and makes his ears ring. It’d be so easy to just leave. Start all over and pretend this was one terrible nightmare.

His hand, already outstretched towards the door; pauses. And the worst part is, he wants it. Kevin wants it so bad, to just drop it all and get out of this place. To escape from the sticky heat and the jarring horrors he’s seen. Without really understanding why, he steps away from the door. His feet take him away and redirects him down the hallway. The closed door his feet bring him to looms forebodingly.

Arnold is on the other side.

The small throbbing from his wrist doesn't let him forget what happened for a second. Kevin settles a hand on the door softly, unable to find the strength in him to knock or go inside. There was nothing he could say to salvage the situation with Arnold. He somehow had managed to ruin everything about his mission and he hadn't even been here for more than a day.

The voice inside his head tells him to leave and run for the bus stop.

His hand raises and halts just before he’s about to knock on the door, ears picking up sound from the other side. Muffled sniffing, a couple of hitched exhales. Kevin’s hand falls from the door silently, hanging limply at his side. Arnold was crying because of the terrible things Kevin had said to him. And here he was, allowing a slab of wood to separate them because he was too much of a coward to admit he was more flawed than he let on.

Kevin knows Heavenly Father is looking upon him with disappointment, ashamed that Kevin has been such a colossal failure already. Not even that thought is enough to make him knock on the door to face Arnold. He retreats down the hallway again, angrily running a hand of his eyes to swipe at tears of frustration that have welled up in his eyes. It feels like all he’s done in the past day is be a complete wreck of a person. If no one else had lost respect for him yet, Kevin’s own disgust at his actions can make up for it.

The plates are still there waiting for him, so he begins placing them back into the cupboards in their rightful places. He almost drops one when the door to the mission hut opens, the startled boy turning to see who entered. Elder Church steps in with a smile, the trailing of a chuckle on his lips fading away as if he was reminded of a joke along his way to the hut. As soon as he sees Kevin, the laughter drops completely and replaced with a strained smile. There is clear wariness in his eyes no matter how the other tries to give off an air of polite neutrality. Kevin feels like some sort of criminal in the shared space between them.

“Hello, Elder Price.” Church says in greeting.

“Hello Elder.” Kevin greets back with a polite smile, having mastered this particular mask at a young age.

“We heard you and Elder Cunningham weren’t feeling well. Elder McKinley forgot the extra bottle of sunscreen, so I’m just here to grab it quick then I’ll be out of your hair.” Church says in a swift and concise manner, leaving no room for a conversation. He closes the door to not let the heat in.

“Oh, here I can get it for y-“

“No no! Don’t trouble yourself Elder.” Elder Church hastily interrupts, making a beeline for the desk sitting under the chalkboard but still creating a giant radius around him and Kevin.  
  
It was embarrassing and mortifying to see his fellow peer eye him as if he was some sort of loose cannon. He was Kevin Price, the Mormon poster boy. People didn't avoid him, they flocked to him. They admired him, they wanted to be him! His hands automatically move up to nervously straighten out his tie, resisting the urge to wring his them together.

“So…how is everything out there today?” Kevin asks hesitantly, wondering how the villagers were handling the unfortunate death in their already small community.

Church pauses for a moment, gripping the sunscreen bottle tightly in one hand. He doesn't look at Kevin, turning to look up at the chalkboard full of their personal baptism statistics. The zeros after every single name only seem to loom bigger as a reminder of their failures.

“Fine.” Elder Church responds solemnly but doesn't elaborate at all, turning to look at Kevin with that same wary stare.

Church’s dark eyes on him make him squirm internally and Kevin grips his own wrist softly, swallowing down the swirl of shame that bubbles up. Was he that horrible to interact with? Had what happened last night really leave that bad of an influence? Kevin supposes yes, it certainly did. Not only had he broke the rules, but they all saw him almost violently ranting about the Latter Day with blood on his face. He had done everything absolutely wrong in that moment. If Kevin had been on the outside looking in, he’d be nervous around someone of that nature too.  
But surely, they must have known that it was just a bit of meltdown there, surely?

He was still Elder Price, the Mormon poster boy. He had to be. They had to see that.

“Oh uhm…okay. Great! I’ll-let you get back to it.” He rasps with a forced chuckle and pained smile, turning back to the stack of plates.

Church nods in agreement, pushing in the drawer and making his way to the door.

“Elder?” Kevin calls out suddenly, whirling around to stare at the other Elder with desperation. “I just wanted to-well. I realize that what happened last night might have been a bit…I-what I mean to say is it-I wasn't really myself…so-I’m really…” Kevin tries, but finds his words getting too jumbled around and his tongue felt too big for his mouth. It is mortifying.

Elder Church looks just as awkward as Kevin feels, his hand reaching out to the doorknob. “Oh, it’s okay Elder Price, really.” The other says politely, but it was the detached kind that didn't radiate any warmth. Kevin was too familiar with that certain kind of false kindness.

“But I really need to get back now though, sorry.” Church says after another awkward moment of silence.

Kevin nods quickly, plastering on another smile. “Of course, I’ll uh-leave you to it then Elder! Do good work out there!” he says with strained enthusiasm.

Church gives him another plastic smile before opening the door to exit, the door shutting behind him with a heavy thud. Kevin exhales heavily, closing his eyes and leaning against the counter. An unwanted disappointment, that is what he was now. All because of a couple crazy minutes gone wrong.

Was this how it was going to be now? Were all the Elders going to behave that way towards him because of the incident last night? Forced politeness and the feeling of merely being tolerated? He had never been in this type of situation before, at least not when he was the one on the chopping block. Kevin Price was a good Mormon boy. The best. How is it that a couple minutes could change all of that? How could it all have gone so wrong?

It's almost as if he can feel Heavenly Father’s disappointed gaze stare at him, burning into his back.

The kitchen is deafeningly quiet. Kevin is alone, again. He looks up at the ceiling, as if to look for answers or some divine intervention. There is of course, nothing but more silence. It only serves to remind him that he has severed every tie he had here in record-breaking time.  He exhales shakily, rubbing a quick hand over his eyes in frustration. He has failed in such a tremendous way, not even leaving to Orlando would salvage the failures he's racked up in Uganda.

Even in Orlando he'd still be alone.

His legs rapidly take him back down the hallway and up to the bedroom door, a strange sense of desperation throbbing in his head. He gives it a solid three knocks, feeling a lump in his throat when he tries to speak.

“Elder Cunningham…I-we need to be together at all times.” He calls shakily, the telltale guilt of what he said to his mission companion stirring up with a vengeance.

“Y-Yeah okay!!! Come on in budd-er-Elder Price!” Cunningham says with a very loud voice, too loud.

As soon as Kevin opens the door, he can see the lack of volume control is to overcompensate for the pain Elder Cunningham is feeling. The stockier boy is busy quickly trying to make his bed, something he had said he’d do about twenty minutes ago when he first retreated into the room, and is avoiding Kevin’s eyes.

“Ahaha-sorry! I’m uh-just kinda slow at this stuff. You know that!” he laughs in a self-deprecating manner, and Kevin can’t find words to say for the true regret he feels being so cruel.

He’s just frozen at the entrance, taking in his mission companion’s skewed glasses, red-rimmed eyes, and small little sniffles he keeps trying to hide behind a laugh or a hum. Eventually Arnold finishes making his bed, though it’s a rather poor job if Kevin is honest, and straightens out. He doesn't look at Kevin for a bit, looking every bit like a kicked puppy and Kevin can’t handle the guilt.

“Elder Cunningham.” He calls hoarsely, his voice cracking in the middle of the name.

Arnold turns to him, his eyes still averted to the floor. The shorter boy smiles in a forlorn manner as he opens his mouth to speak. “Yeah…I know. You probably want a different mission companion, right? I get it really. I know how it goes.” he mumbles.

“Elder…” Kevin responds helplessly, floundering for something to say.

He is still just frozen like a fool in the doorway, not knowing what he could do in this instant. He’s ruined the entire mission not only for himself, but for his mission companion and possibly everyone else. It was him that was the problem, not the person standing in front of him. His vision blurs, and his heart aches at the resignation in Arnold’s voice.

“Hey…what’s wrong?” Arnold murmurs in soft concern, shaking Kevin from his musings. The shorter boy's sadness has quickly transformed into an expression of worry for the other after finally having risked a glance at the taller boy. “Hey...you’re crying…” he points out, worry slowly transforming into distress at the sight.

“What? I’m not I-“Kevin shakes his head, quickly putting a hand up to his eye. His thumb comes back wet with tears. “I- “he says shakily, but can’t find the words, his breath hitches and a whimper falls out of his lips unwillingly.

“Hey…” Arnold calls to him softly, moving closer to Kevin. “Hey, Elder Price it’ll be okay…it’s gunna be okay.” he says earnestly.

And isn't that just a kick in the chest, being comforted by the person who he had just hurt.

“I’m sorry!” Kevin blurts, feeling a couple of tears abruptly trail down his cheek. “I’m so-so sorry.” He apologizes desperately, feeling his breath stammer. “I was-I _am_ so awful to you-and what I said was truly just so…horrible. I-I really am so sorry-Gosh- “

Arnold’s eyes widen with shock, going still in surprise. “Huh?” he murmurs in disbelief.

But Kevin can’t continue on and instead hides like a coward, dropping his head into his hands and weeping. He stammers out a couple more apologies which come out as muffled failed attempts. These tears didn't come from an anxiety induced meltdown. Arnold’s genuine concern for him, even after the way he was treated, it moves Kevin in a way he could not have possibly expected. These are genuine tears of regret and sadness rolled into a bundle of melancholic despair.

Maybe it was the black and white difference from Church’s false smile, to Arnold’s soft earnest eyes that made him truly understand. For the first time, he realizes that Arnold Cunningham is kind. There is a kindness that is so earnest and pure, and Kevin doesn't deserve an ounce of it.

But he receives it anyways.

He startles in surprise when he feels the now familiar thick arms wrap around him in a hug, lightly bringing Kevin’s head down to rest on his shoulder. Kevin tenses only for a moment before wrapping his own around Arnold, clutching the shirt fabric tightly.

“Please don’t cry…” Arnold says sadly, as if Kevin’s tears bring him the same amount of despair.

Kevin swallows thickly, resting his forehead on Arnold’s shoulder and watching a couple tears fall to the floor. “I didn't mean any of it.” He whispers, feeling Arnold’s body inhale sharply in response. “I really-I didn't. I was just so…” Kevin trails off.

He had to do this. If he couldn't be honest to his mission companion, then he couldn't be honest with anyone. Not even himself.

He straightens up slightly, summoning his courage and moving to take Arnold’s hands with his trembling ones. “I was-surprised, that anyone had seen me like that. You really- “Kevin exhales shakily. “You scared me, pointing out all of those ugly parts of that I try to hide. I don’t want anyone to see any of that I-” He eventually confesses, blinking back more tears, eventually meeting Arnold’s eyes.

Arnold looks a little more than distressed hearing the way Kevin talks about himself, eyebrows furrowed and face scrunched.

“So I…lashed out and pushed you away. I-I just said something I knew would hurt you and- “he swallows, wiping something tears away with heel of his palm in embarrassment.

“So...uh you don’t want another mission companion? You would maybe uh, wanna stay with me...?” Arnold asks hesitantly, that shy hope in his voice cautious and almost disbelieving.

Kevin is surprised. How can he not be? Here he is, giving the worst apology in the history of the world, and all Arnold cares about is wiping his tears away and asking if Kevin will still have him as a companion.

“I should be asking you that.” Kevin replies hoarsely, earning a bewildered look from the shorter of the two.

“No! I mean I hurt you and…” Arnold trails off, gaze swiveling down to Kevin’s wrist which has some redness around it from irritation. “And I pushed too hard. That was pretty mean of me, and I’m really sorry- “

“I was being difficult, I- “

“Yeah well I was talking too much and I know sometimes I can be a bit overwhelming! Sooo-“

“Arnold!” Kevin interrupts with light exasperation. “Please, just let me…apologize for this, okay?” Kevin huffs out in frustration.

Arnold is silent, and Kevin wonders if he somehow hurt his feelings all over again.

“Oh no-I just mean, I didn't mean to- “he stammers, wondering why he can never seem to find his words around the short Elder.

But Arnold wasn't upset at all, and Kevin finds a hand on his own clasping it softly. “You called me Arnold.” The boy smiles tenderly in response, looking at Kevin with a familiar reverence.

Kevin’s heart skips a bit, and the blood rushes to his face. “I-oh gosh sorry-“

The air is knocked out of him as Arnold hugs his midsection and squeezes him tightly. “I accept your apology!”

“Really…?” he says breathlessly, wondering how it could be that simple.

“Of course!”

And that was that. Kevin feels like he needs to say more, that he needs to emphasize that what he said was lies. To reassure Arnold that he is wanted and that he’ll do better. Instead, he throws himself into the embrace, hugging his companion tightly back.

“You’re the only reason I’m still here.” Kevin murmurs into Arnold’s shoulder. “And I didn't even realize it until a couple moments ago. You've always been there for me. I’m going to try harder to be a better mission companion to you and…a better friend.” He fumbles, grateful he isn't looking at Arnold at this moment because his cheeks feel warm and embarrassment thrums through his veins.

Arnold’s body gives a small jerk, and Kevin can hear him sniffling in response. Alarmed, he pulls back to into his mission companion’s face. He’s met with a relieved smile, crooked glasses, and big eyes full of tears.

“Oh gosh-“Kevin exclaims in worry, awkwardly hovering his hands around Arnold but not actually putting them anywhere, uncertain of what to do.

“No no it’s okay! I’m uh-I’m just real glad you’re gunna stay with me, buddy.” Arnold laughs, closing his eyes with a grin. "Like...really glad."

Unable to help himself, he removes Arnold’s glasses and runs a quick thumb over a tear to wipe it away as Arnold has done for him. It feels awkward and he isn't confident in even doing this, physical reassurance was never one of his strong suits. But Arnold practically melts into his touch, and the tears slow and disappear as quickly as they come. Kevin awkwardly places the other’s glasses back onto his nose. He squints, making sure they are perfectly straight on their perch before leaning back with satisfaction. It earns a small chuckle from his mission companion.

Arnold throws himself back at Kevin, wrapping him up into another tight hug and now laughing loudly with enthusiastic glee. It’s a relief to hear his laughter bounce around the room. Only now does everything feel right again, and the strange emptiness has been filled with that laughter. After giving Kevin one more squeeze, the enthusiastic Elder pulls back and takes Kevin’s hands with a surprisingly gentle grip. Kevin allows himself to be pulled to Arnold’s bed, sitting down beside him with a small smile.

“I uh-can I maybe ask you something?” Arnold says hesitantly, looking down at their hands.

He technically already did, but Kevin nods in acquiescence anyways.

“Could you uh-come to me when you’re sad?” the curly-haired boy asks, eyes flicking up to meet his own.

The question throws him off guard. Yet again, Arnold manages to surprise him in ways he didn't think he could be confused at.

Arnold must sense Kevin’s confusion too because he straightens up, a newfound fire in his dark eyes. “I uhh I just think someone like you shouldn't cry!” he rambles awkwardly hand retracting and scratching behind his neck idly. “You’re uh, you just shouldn't you know? Well because like-I know you’re kinda shy about sharin’ your feelings but I don’t want you to always bottle everything up and-watching you cry ‘cause you’re sad and not ‘cause like…you were freaking out, it was really really sad-there was definitely a difference. It’s just like-someone pretty like you shouldn't cry, you know especially 'cause you're made for greatness and all?”

Kevin’s brain registers about half of the words in Arnold’s ramble. “I-what?” he replies eloquently, his heart skipping a beat at the last sentence Arnold rambled.

“I just want you to trust me buddy.” Arnold sighs, deflating slightly. “That’s all-I mean I know I’m kinda loud and talk a lot but I’d never ever say anything to anyone else really, I promise. “

“I’ll try.”

“And it’s just I really want us to-wait what?” Arnold cuts himself off, looking at Kevin with wide eyes.

“I…I said I’ll try.” Kevin says, returning the smile albeit a little more hesitant. Shy, almost. “I’m not very good at this sort of thing-Ive never really had uh, someone like you in my life.” He mumbled, nibbling on his lip lightly and gazing down at their linked hands.

“You've never had a best friend??” Arnold shouts with a bewildered face, Kevin wincing at the volume of the exclamation.

Kevin shakes his head. “I uh, I mean I got along with everyone back at the missionary training center sure. But I guess I was just always surrounded by other people. That’s how it’s always been really. It’s always just been about the mission…about what I’m supposed to do and what everyone expected of me while...everyone else was sort of around me but not actually...there.” Kevin admits to the other. It’s almost nice, to be able to talk like this.

He feels humbled that Arnold wants to stick around. That Arnold still looks at him with admiration and adoration. That Arnold sincerely still likes him, even after what’s all happened. It makes him want to do better.

“Well, I’m here now.” Is all Arnold says in response, but the pride is thick in his voice.

Kevin smiles down at their hands, feeling lighter than he has felt in the past 24 hours. “Yeah…you are.” He agrees softly.

Arnold’s loud gleeful laughter that follows feels like music to Kevin's ears..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Arnold's character deserves more attention. He's such a little sweetheart, I really wanted to showcase how forgiving and kind he can be and even selfless. I do think it's very like him to be concerned for Kevin even if they are in a fight. :') AND LOOK, A HAPPY ENDING FOR THIS CHAPTER!!!


	7. Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which beds are made

Arnold watches Kevin smooth the sheets around the small bed and fluff the one pillow accordingly. The taller boy steps back with a satisfied nod, and Arnold can’t help but grin at the turn of events.  Everything already seems so much better after their talk. He swivels his dark eyes down to Kevin’s bruised wrist and vows to never let it get that bad again. Arnold is confident now that they could get through any problem, together.

“There. That’s how you’re supposed to do it. It’s all in the way you tuck the sheets in, really.” the other explains with pride at the pristine and smooth surface of Arnold’s bed, gesturing a hand over it nonchalantly.

Arnold can feel Kevin stiffen as the shorter of the two swoops in for a hug, his thicker arms around his friend perfect for squeezing. Instead of pushing him away, Kevin forces himself to relax and turns around in Arnold’s grip, hands stiffly fumbling around the shorter shoulders before awkwardly returning the hug. It’s a very happy revelation for Arnold when he realizes that Kevin really is going to try at this.

Kevin might be good at cleaning, but Arnold is the master at hugs. So, he would definitely help the other on his hugging technique, he’d make sure of it. And the best way to improve is by lots of practice of course!

He doesn’t push it though, (because he wants to try really hard at this too) when Kevin steps away with a small pat on his shoulder. Arnold looks up at his friend with a sunny grin. The look that is reciprocated is a small lopsided upturn of Kevin’s lips that is the perfect combination of shy and sheepish before the taller turns away from him.

“We need to continue cleaning. Let’s make sure to get the floors and dining table for sure.” Kevin says, a contemplating grip upon his chin for a moment before giving a decisive nod. “I suppose we should do the bathroom too…” he murmurs, giving a small frown.

“I can clean the toilet!” Arnold pipes enthusiastically, earning a bewildered glance at his outburst. “What? You definitely don’t wanna do it right? Sooo, I’ll do it for ya buddy!” he grins, placing his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest dramatically.

“What makes you think that?” Kevin retorts with a furrow of his brows, almost defensively.

“Weeell, I mean I don’t think _anyone_ would want to…but I just think you would probably really not like it right?”

“I always do chores Elder Cunningham, no matter what is assigned to me.” Kevin responds stuffily, averting his brown eyes sideways with a purse of his lips.

It’s almost a pout and Arnold thinks that’s one of the cutest things he’s ever seen.

“I know buddy! But I was just offering cause I was just trying to be a good best friend! I know how you really like to be super clean and all that.” He appeases happily. “Besides, then I can feel good knowing I made a big sacrifice for my friend…Arnold: Savior of Man and Cleaner Extraordinaire!” the shorter boy declares loudly, placing his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest.

Kevin scoffs in amusement, rolling his eyes. “More like, Arnold: Savior of Man and Horrible Maker of Beds.” He retorts with a chuckle.

“Heeeyyy!” he whines, dropping his stance. “We all have our strengths! You just happen to have like…weird supernatural bed-making skills.” he says with a dramatic huff, though his easygoing grin slides right back on his face as he sees Kevin shake his head with a small amused exhale of breath.

“Fine fine.” He relents, turning to give Elder Cunningham a grateful look. “You’re right. I really don’t want to clean the toilet…or the bathroom at all, for that matter.” He admits.

“Let’s just do the living room and then the rest of the kitchen first! And theeeenn…” Arnold trails off, tiptoeing with exaggerated movement closer to Kevin’s side.

“…Then?” Kevin mumbles suspiciously, raising an eyebrow with a wary stare at Arnold’s approach.

“We can play cards or a game or something!” Arnold shouts in excitement, clapping his hands over Kevin’s shoulders who gives a flinch in response.

“No no Elder _then_ , we clean the restroom.” Kevin sighs.

He can’t help but deflate at the dismissal, hands slipping off the taller boy’s shoulders with a flop. Kevin must sense the sudden mood chance and turns his head to fully look at him with a furrowed brow.

“But we never get to spend any time together, today would be the perfect day.” Arnold mumbles, suddenly feeling rather stupid.

Of course Kevin would try to be more amiable and trust more, but that didn’t mean he’d _want_ to spend time with someone like Arnold.

“What are you talking about, we are spending the entire day together alone in the mission hut and will be spending every day together from now on We’re mission companions.” Kevin says, confusion twinkling in his brown irises.

“No!” Arnold argues, crossing his arms and feeling very much like a child. “I mean we never get to spend actual time together. I wanna know more about you!”

Kevin hesitates, and Arnold can see the conflict in his eyes before the light goes out and he mumbles out a simple “Well there’s not much to know really that most of you don’t already know-”

“But I wanna know anyways Kevin!” Arnold shouts back passionately, looking up at him with urgent eyes. “I wanna know what you really like, and what your favorite things are! I bet what I know, and everyone else knows about you isn’t actually the most important stuff. Like yeah, we know you read scriptures in your spare time and you wanna be the best Mormon ever-even though you already are-but I wanna know _you_ you! Er-I mean like, the you…that’s inside the you that’s already-I lost track of where I was going with this.”

He’s met with a resounding silence and if there’s anything Arnold has come to learn in the past couple of days, it’s that silence usually is a very bad thing. Kevin’s breathing is even though, and he doesn’t look angry or anything, so now Arnold mainly just feels a bit silly having an outburst about wanting to know Kevin Price’s favorite colour or season.

“You-“Kevin tries eventually, but the words seem to die out on his tongue and he just looks away in frustration, hands quickly reaching up to run and smooth down his hair, a nervous quirk.

“Sorry. That was kinda stupid sounding-I know.” Arnold mumbles, averting his eyes down to the floor.

“What’s your favorite fruit?” comes the strangled response.

Arnold quickly looks up again as is met with a rather red-faced Kevin fidgeting with his tie and looking down at the floor like it’s something magical.

“My…” Arnold trails off in disbelief.

He spies Kevin clenching his jaw, and the tips of his ears turn a little peach against that pale golden skin.

“GRAPES!! It’s-er-It’s grapes!” Arnold shouts quickly, voice much too loud for the small room. “I think grapes are the best because they are so round and firm but also a bit squishy and they come in big groups like they are all friends or something on their way to fulfill their magical destiny by being a delicious snack that fuels a greater good!” he rambles quickly, somehow wanting to assure Kevin that the question didn’t go unheard.

There’s an awkward silence before Kevin gives a stiff nod and turns. “Neat. That’s neat.” He quips simply, hand reaching out for the doorknob and twisting it.

“What’s yours!?” Arnold yells and honestly, he really doesn’t know why he’s yelling but it’s probably a mixture of desperation and excitement all bundled into one loud voice.

Kevin pauses for a moment and Arnold can practically see the gears turning in his mind at the question and the squint of concentration on his face even though his back is turned to him. He ends up opening the door but not moving out of the hallway, turning back to give Arnold a rather lost look.

“I guess, I don’t really have one?” He says softly.

Arnold frowns, shaking his head. “Nah, you gotta have one. That’s just how it is.”

That earns him a furrowed brow in return, Kevin crossing his arms in thought. “I guess…um, apples? An apple a day...?” he trails off lamely, as if he knows his response isn’t even genuine.

“What’s your favorite colour?” Arnold asks quickly. “Mine is green, but I like yellow too, and orange. I mean there are a lot of great colours so. But yellow and green definitely are top two-yeah...yeah-top two for sure.”

“Do white and black count…?”

Arnold shakes his head. “Nooo nohohoo, you can’t cheat like that! Pick a _colour_ colour!” he demands eagerly, giving Kevin an excited smile.

Kevin doesn't smile back, if anything he only seems to look more lost at the question. “I…I don’t know.” He murmurs weakly in response, hands moving up to fiddle with his tie again. “I don’t really…have a preference.”

Arnold pauses for a moment to take in the scene. Really take it in. It would be one thing if Kevin just didn't feel like playing along, but Arnold himself wasn't being brushed off right now. Kevin was really giving an effort to try and open up a bit and play into something that Arnold would really like.

“Have you never talked with anyone about this stuff?” Arnold asks softly, concern thrumming at his heart.

“I've already told you that this isn't anything I'm used to!” Kevin barks out back quickly, defensively.

“Yeah but…it’s just-kinda weird you don’t even know your own favorite stuff…” the shorter boy mumbles with a worried flicker of his eyes.

“Well-I just-I“ Kevin stammers, giving out a frustrated groan. “I don’t know okay!” he snaps, running a hand across his hair.

“Hey buddy, it’s not a big deal-“

“I’ve never-I’ve never thought about any of this! I’ve always just-it’s always just been about being a good Mormon. Being a good Mormon, and being good to other people, and being good at classes, and being good at anything I do but I never really thought about what I liked because I was just-I’m just trying to be more than good, I’m trying to be something _incredible_ for everyone and I have to be because my faith always has to come first-“ he rants, and there’s something hurt in his mocha eyes that makes Arnold’s chest hurt.

“Are you feeling sad right now?” Arnold interrupts with a quieter tone, a serious undercurrent running through it.

Kevin looks at Arnold with confusion, having been stopped mid-rant. “What?”

“I asked if you were feeling sad right now. Maybe a little? Kinda?” Arnold asks again, looking up at Kevin seriously.

“I-what? What does that have to do with anything-it doesn't matter I was just-“

“Kevin are you feeling kinda sad?” he interrupts again, voice a bit louder and more insistent.

He can see when it clicks in Kevin’s head, his eyes lighting up in a small epiphany. Arnold is pleased to know Kevin remembers what they said in their conversation on the bed, even if it happened just a bit ago. He wants Kevin to know that he’s serious about what he asked of him, that if his best friend is upset or sad, that he should go to him.

It’s very important to him that Kevin knows that he wasn't joking in the slightest.

“Elder Cunningham…” Kevin sighs helplessly, shoulders slumping slightly.

“Yeah, I’m gunna say yeah you’re feeling a bit sad.”

“I-“

“Can’t you just say it? It’s okay to say it.”

Kevin runs a hand down his face, closing his eyes for a moment too long before opening them again. There’s a raw hurt that glimmers underneath the surface and Arnold wants nothing more for that to come to the surface so he can pepper that hurt with compliments and soothe its pain.

“Yeah, I guess…I guess I’m maybe-feeling a bit...sad or something.” He relents, and the confession almost stops Arnold’s heart for a moment.

He really wasn't expecting it. Arnold thought it might have been pushing it a bit too much to try and get Kevin to talk about such personal feelings still, maybe a bit too early. But Kevin is clearly someone who sticks to his word, and all of these efforts of trying to open up more have Arnold’s heart soaring with acceptance and love.

He moves over and hugs him.

It’s gentler, soothing as he runs his hand up the boy’s back. He relishes the feeling of Kevin slumping into his embrace and returning the hug and bending lightly to rest his cheek on Arnold’s shoulder as his arms loop through Arnold’s own.

“Why are you sad buddy? Huh?” he coos softly to the other.

“I guess, I just realized now that I don’t…really know much about myself anymore. It’s almost like the only real part that exists anymore is the part I show on the surface.” Kevin murmurs, tucking his forehead into Arnold’s shoulder. “I don’t even know my…favorite colour I mean-that’s just so…so ridiculous.”

“Nah, I don’t believe that for a second. You just haven’t gotten a chance to do more stuff for yourself 'cause you're so busy being amazing for everyone else!”

“I guess I just thought if I behaved in a perfect way, I’d always get perfect results and the other stuff didn't really matter.” Kevin admits softly, giving a small breathless laugh. “Clearly Uganda is my wakeup call.”

“We’ll catch up. I’ll help!” Arnold reassures him brightly, pulling away to paw at Kevin’s cheeks. He can’t help it.

Kevin allows it for a couple of moments, before turning his head away with a grimace. “I don’t really know if that’s something you can help.”

“Pft, nah! It’ll be easy, I bet you have a lot of favorite stuff, you just haven’t even realized it!” Arnold boasts confidently, running a hand up down Kevin’s arm soothingly for a moment. “You’ll see. Promise!”

The hesitant smile that forms on Kevin’s lips is easily worth the small moment of internal panic on Arnold’s end when he first saw Kevin’s dismay.

“Thanks Elder Cunningham…I guess-I mean I just really appreciate it.” He gently murmurs, eyes warm with gratitude and realization.

Arnold is internally ecstatic at the results. It almost felt like a test and he had passed with flying colours. More than flying colours if Kevin’s smile was the prize.

“Come on!” Arnold cheers, slipping his fingers in between Kevin’s and moving ahead to drag him along. “We’ll clean the living room _and_ do games! We can do stuff like 20 questions while we work!”

Kevin responds with a small laugh.

After they gather their supplies, Arnold finds himself cleaning the windows with Kevin dusting the shelves across the room.

“So!” he shouts, interrupting the amiable working silence. “I like green cuz it’s associated with science and sci-fi stuff but mainly cuz it’s just a super cool mixture of blue and yellow! It’s like, its own special colour and gives off a nice feeling of sorta calm but not too calm and it just feels solid and good. Well I dunno, I just think green is pretty great, and it’s made from my other favorite colour, yellow! Annnd yellow is awesome because it makes your heart feel happier! It’s like when you go outside and know it’s a super nice day out and you just give a big happy sigh. That’s what yellow feels like to me.” Arnold rambles enthusiastically, not having noticed Kevin stopped cleaning and continuing on.

“So think like, maybe colours aren’t just about clothes and matching your furniture to your walls right? I mean colours have like, feelings and stuff attached to them. I definitely think we could figure it out. What do you think your favorite colour might be if you reeaallly think about it?” Arnold asks, huffing at a stubborn dirt spot on the window pane.

“I guess maybe um…red?”

“Oh wow! Huh. Red. Red is like vivid and uhhh deep! It feels kinda important and royal if you ask me, and it’s super hmm- Well, red is just-I mean yeah, it’s just like you!” Arnold exclaims with surprise. “Huh…red. Not bad.”

“I mean I get why you like black and white, and not just cuz it’s our uniform stuff. Black-it’s very formal and kinda stiff-er not in a bad way! I just mean black always feels super dark and serious yaknow? And white is all light and pure and sorta…well, sorta like ethereal. It suits you really well.” Arnold admits with a smile, putting down his cleaning rag with a sigh. “But I don’t count those as a favorite colour thing sooo-“

“I think um…” Kevin starts out hesitantly, clearing his throat softly.

“Yeah?” Arnold acknowledges, looking over at Kevin who quickly looks away and resumes his cleaning.

“Well, I think maybe yellow might be starting to grow on me too.”

Arnold doesn’t know why, but his heart feels warm at the admission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Another longer chapter to make up for the wait! :'D Thanks for commenting and stuff, you guys motivate me so much more than you know! I'm also happy this was another more light-hearted chapter! A not super rushed relationship development is pretty important for me so I'm not always just going to throw them in crazy situations

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm new to all this, but hope to continue improving. I'm not sure how many chapters this will be but that's maybe the fun of it! I'm just happy to contribute to the fandom a bit (even if it's bad lol) as we need more fics!!


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